Dream a Little Bigger, Darling

Okay, so, as promised, it's time to get back to the normal stuff. :)

The most important thing: I HAVE A JOB!

A real, honest-to-goodness job. Shortly after my February post, I interviewed with a company that I'd been talking to for about a month and a half, and she pretty much offered me the job on the spot (though not technically, since that's not how it works). I knew about it when I wrote, back in February, but I didn't want to jinx it, so I didn't say anything.

Anyways, about this job.

The company is called KPMG. They provide audit, tax, and advisory services for a significant number of the FORTUNE 500 companies (and I believe they are one themselves). They're one of the Big Four such companies in the country. I'm one of only seven editors in the whole company (the U.S. branch, anyway). We handle almost all of the client-facing proposals, emails, presentations, etc. that the company produces. It means I'm crazy busy pretty much all the time. (I even have homework about half the nights of the week, because I don't have time during the day to edit everything by the deadlines.) Working for a financial services company might seem boring to a lot of editors, but it's pretty much where most editors end up. And you know what? It's not all that boring. Most of it is business writing (which occasionally makes me want to smack my face into a wall because it breaks half the rules of concise writing that were pounded into me all through college), and business writing is much less dry than some of the other stuff I've edited over the years. Every document is its own little treasure trove of grammatical mistakes that I have to dig up and correct. It doesn't get tedious because each one is also written by a different author, so there are distinct voices and syntactical quirks to each piece.

I probably can't convince most of you that any of this sounds like fun, but that doesn't matter. I love it.

I had my doubts about editing for a little while. After two straight years of proofreading (which is pretty grueling, to be honest), I was second-guessing my choice to be an editor for the rest of my life. I wasn't sure I was cut out for it. I also wasn't sure that I would get the kind of job that would make me happy. Editing jobs are few and far between out here in Utah. My original plan when my job with the Church ended was to find something well-paying for a year or two and then pick up and head out to New York City, where all the publishing jobs are. I figured that's when my career would start. If I still wanted it to start.

I'm glad that the Lord has bigger plans for me than I did for myself. I was dreaming small, honestly. And this job was definitely His doing. A friend recommended me for an admin assistant position in the Salt Lake KPMG office, so I applied, because I was applying for everything. One interview in, the recruiter was like, "Wait, you like editing?"

"Yes."

"We have a position posted for an editor in L.A. Let me send them your resume."

I didn't really want to move, but I figured it couldn't hurt to explore it a little, so I let him. Turns out that they liked my resume so much that they decided to open the same editing position in Salt Lake so that I wouldn't have to move (my work is not region-specific, so I could literally move anywhere in the country and still do the same job).

I found out after I was hired that this whole situation was pretty much love at first sight for both me and the editing manager. She thought I was perfect and spent the better part of a month trying to find something wrong with me. When that failed, she kept trying to figure out how to get rid of all the other applicants, because she didn't want any of them. On my side, from the first time I talked to her, I knew that I wanted this job. It sounded right up my alley as far as my background went, and I knew that the position would be well within my abilities and that it would push me to be better, too. It also offered the possibility to work from home, to move wherever I wanted, and permanence. Plus, the editors on the team tended to retire. That told me that they didn't get dissatisfied and quit. They stuck it out until they weren't working anymore. I wanted this job so badly. I've wanted it since about the second week in January, but I was terrified that I wouldn't get it, so I was very close-lipped about it.

Turns out, I didn't need to worry. This is exactly where I was supposed to be, and things just worked out. Right down to the fact that I kept coming in second place for all of my other interviews. I had so many interviews, and they all went really, really well. But almost every time, I found myself thinking, "Please don't offer me the job, please, please don't. KPMG hasn't called me back, yet." Since I was collecting unemployment insurance, turning down job after job would have caused me to lose my income, which I couldn't afford. But despite their obvious interest, none of those other jobs extended offers to me. (Well, one company extended me a frankly insulting offer to write out descriptions of bedpans for their website for $12 an hour, even though they knew I'd been making twice that before. I turned them down, obviously.)

So, after two months of unemployment, I landed my dream job. Seriously. If I had stuck to my original plan and gone out to New York, this is probably the kind of thing I would be looking for, because everyone wants the book-publishing jobs, but the positions like this are more stable and pay a little better.

So I got everything I never even knew I wanted from a job about two years earlier than I'd planned. And I can stay with this job for the rest of my life if I want to. No expiration date built in. If, on some crazy chance, I do want to leave it, it's an incredible thing to put on a resume, and I'll have a huge boost finding my next one, though, frankly, I don't ever plan on leaving. I want to build my career here.

So yeah. I'm doing what I love (and rediscovering just how much I do love it in the process), and I'm doing it in an environment that offers me the kind of stability that I've been craving ever since I graduated from college. I'm pretty happy with how my life has gone so far. It really does get better with time. :)

My Choice

I'm sorry it's been a long time since I've posted. Life has been wonderful, full to the brim with amazing things. I'll go into those at some other time.

I've been sitting on the thoughts I'm about to share for a long time now, and I've been trying to figure out how to share them. I hope that I can do them justice.

Pretty much everyone who reads my blog knows what church I belong to. You know what I believe. I couldn't hide it if I tried. The gospel of Jesus Christ is so much a part of me that it leaks out even when I might be trying to be discreet (which, to be honest, we shouldn't ever try to be discreet about what we believe). I love this gospel, and I've chosen it with my whole heart. I've chosen to belong to the Lord. Perhaps not in the typical "bride of God" sense, because I still plan to give my heart and my soul to my husband someday (when I find him). But I am God's. Without question, without reservation.

I have noticed a disturbing trend among people today, whether they are friends, acquaintances, family, or total strangers. Many of them want to pick and choose among the doctrines of the gospel. Certain teachings anger, frustrate, or infuriate them. They fight against such teachings with remarkable persuasive ability. I am not condemning or passing judgment on these people. They are allowed to express their beliefs. I don't know their situations, or what makes it hard for them to accept some doctrines and not others.

But I am allowed to express my beliefs too. And I'm going to.

For me, there is no picking and choosing from the doctrines of the gospel. There is no picking and choosing which conference talks are doctrine and which aren't. God does not need to be corrected. His servants - the prophets, apostles, and general authorities of the Church - do not need to be corrected. They are not wrong. Yes, they are men, and they aren't perfect. I worked for the Church. Believe me, I know it for a fact. They have their opinions and political views and personal viewpoints just as much as any of us do. But they are also called of God, and when they speak to us as such, they are speaking on His behalf. That means general conference. That means letters from the First Presidency. That means articles written by them in the Church magazines. They sign their names to those documents and addresses as "President" or "Elder" for a reason.

Now, I want to be very clear about my thoughts on this. I'm not saying that I blindly follow everything that they say or ask us to do. I have had my doubts. I've struggled with some of the doctrines of the gospel. I have wrestled over conflicting opinions on the same difficult subjects that weigh so heavily on many others. I still am not entirely settled on where my own opinions on many such topics fall.

Not everything they say applies to me specifically. I am not married. I'm not a parent. I'm not a man. I did not leave some other religion to join this one. I am not a prospective or returned full-time missionary (okay, yes, in the sense that I plan to serve someday with my husband, 40 to 50 years down the road, yes, I am). There are lot of things they talk about that I am not. But there are also many things that ALL of them talk about that I am. I am human. I am a woman. I am single. I am young. I am afraid. I am going through trials that test my faith. I have wavered in that faith. I have had my testimony shaken. I have made mistakes. I have needed the Atonement. I am often doubtful or uncertain. I am a daughter. I am a friend. I am a child of God. I am His disciple.

I believe that complaining about what the general authorities teach when they talked about women who are married and having children just because you are single, divorced, barren, or too busy with a career (I'm using feminine examples here, because I understand them better, but masculine things apply just as well) is selfish. Is that harsh? Perhaps. But it suggests a blinded approach to the doctrines of the gospel. Lessons of patience addressed to mothers (or fathers) of young children are still universal. We all need patience. A talk about teaching children can inspire us to teach ourselves or those around us. A lesson to a child about obeying his or her parents can help us learn to obey the Lord, our parents, our spouses, even our bosses at work. A lesson about missionary work can inspire us to convert ourselves. Talking about financial stability can help us to spread the principles of budgeting and "saying no" to frivolous wants to our spiritual lives, learning to say no to things that we don't really need. Saying that those lessons don't apply because we are not specifically mentioned by the categories we place ourselves in is effectively slamming the door in the Lord's face and saying, "Unless you talk to me on my terms, I'm not going to listen." That is selfish and arrogant when we consider who we're talking to.

It all applies to us. I'm convinced of that. Sure, I may not be addicted to pornography, so I may not need every word that's spoken about it, but I know people who are who may need my help. Or, the discussion of the effects of pornography on a marriage may help me to be careful about not letting anything (sexual or not) become more important than my husband. If something isn't obviously applicable, dig a little deeper. There's something in there that does apply. That's how the gospel works.

Now, I'm not pronouncing any kind of fate on people who question the teachings of the prophets or express their concerns and/or disagreements. In fact, I thank them. We are supposed to question. We are supposed to ask. If I never heard or read conflicting viewpoints, I wouldn't be certain of what it is I have chosen to believe. But I'm not going to say that I agree with you if you disagree with what they teach. I'm not going to pretend that it doesn't bother me just as much as my supposed blind obedience bothers you. I am not okay with people who say that the apostles are blind, closed-minded, backwards old men. That's not okay with me, and here's why.

I chose them. I chose them as my authority. I chose the God that they serve. I am an intelligent woman. I have studied philosophy, psychology, science, and theology. I understand rhetoric and logic. I rely on it, in fact. This was no blind choice that I have made. I have read countless dissenting opinions on pretty much every doctrine or belief that I hold dear. I have weighed their words, considered their opinions, and taken time to discuss things with others, both in and out of my own religion. And I have still chosen them.

What God would want blind obedience? Doesn't that defeat the purpose? Blindly obeying everything someone tells you to do turns you into whatever it is that they want you to be. You become a reflection of them. You become their slave, with no will or decision-making power of your own. That's not the desire of the God I have chosen to follow. He wants thinking, intelligent, rational people to work on His behalf. He wants us to ask questions, to give voice to our fears and doubts. He wants us to struggle through internal conflict, because only then do we discover who we are and what we're capable of. Only then can He make us into more than we were before.

How do I know this? Because I live it every day. I have been afraid. I have been confused. I have even been angry at the Lord. I have certainly not agreed with everything I've been asked to do. In many such cases, my pride was hurt, I was embarrassed, or I felt I was right. But in every single instance, submitting my will to the Lord's has made me into more, not less. I have achieved more than I had ever originally planned for myself. I have become a better person than I thought I could be. I have learned more things than I knew my brain could hold.

I like who I am. I don't want to be any different than I am right now, except to keep becoming better, because I know I'm not done yet. If you could become the best person in the world at something, if you knew you could do it, would you quit halfway? Perhaps that helps you understand my choice. I'm not necessarily trying to become the best writer or artist or thinker in the world. But I am trying to become the best version of myself that I can become. I'll be the best Lynnae in the world (other Lynnaes in the world, you can be the best, too, but you won't be me. You'll be you).

What I'm trying to say is that this is my choice. This is my life. This is who I am. I have chosen to follow my Heavenly Father and His Son Jesus Christ. I have chosen to follow the prophets, both past and present. I will not yield on this point. Ever. I decided almost ten years ago now that I would never give up on the teachings of this Church, no matter what got thrown my way. I might question, wonder, worry, fume, and cry about it, but I would always act on the gospel principles first. If they failed me, then I would know that it was wrong. But I would never assume that they were wrong before I tried them out. I would act in faith.

And guess what? The teachings of this church have never failed me. I have never once regretted choosing them over something a disagreeing opinion says is okay, but I have regretted choosing the disagreeing opinion over the principles of the gospel. That is enough empirical evidence to make me certain of my choice.

I love you all. I hope that you find similar certainty in our crazy, messed up world. I don't even mind if you find certainty in an opinion that opposes mine. Whatever you choose, stick to it. If it gives you peace, stick to it. Even the world, for all of its problems, rewards the people to stick to their guns far more than those who waffle about and change their minds with every opinion that comes their way. I have made my choice, and I'm sticking to it, no matter what. I hope you all find something that you can do the same with.

(I'll get back to my normal writing soon, I promise. Thanks for reading.)