Hah. Probably a misleading title. :)
I've been hunting for things to distract me so that I don't think too much. Here's what I've found for today.
-Work out. Really hard. By the time I finish, I'm too pooped to think. And I feel great.
-Go to the temple and pay attention to all the sweet little deacons and beehives who look lost and disoriented. Point them in the right direction if necessary. It was really cool to see them and remember my first time.
-Lingerie shop for a friend's bridal shower. Because sometimes it's fun to imagine a friend's face when she opens something like that. I promise I'm pretty nice, though. Nothing that's too horrifying. :)
-Hide my phone away so that I don't look at it and wonder when it will buzz. That only works when I'm not expecting a text from Tiara about the bridal shower, though.
-Plug in the HDMI cable for my DVD player. Yeah, so that sounds like a 30-second job, but it actually requires moving some furniture around and digging into dark, slightly dusty places, which means I also end up with a slightly cleaner room than normal.
-Prepare my Gospel Doctrine lesson for tomorrow. This could be iffy, because looking for spiritual guidance on my lesson may result in looking for spiritual guidance on all the other open-ended things in my life. But it's bound to be an uplifting experience anyway, so it'll stop me from angsting.
Granted, I haven't done all of those things already. It's only noon thirty. But they're on the list.
I've also discovered things that don't work:
-Watching movies. Any mention of a job or romance sends me into a flurry of fretting. Which happens in pretty much every movie, so it's a fairly useless endeavor at the moment.
-Reading. Unless the book is a total page-turner, my mind wanders a little bit when I read. It leaves too much room to think.
-Taking a nap. Because my subconscious is mean.
But perhaps I'm misleading you a little bit. Really, it's kind of fun. I haven't felt this complicated mix of excitement and fear in a long time, and it's nice to know that the emotions still run deep. Don't worry about me. Just keep me busy. ;)
28 January 2012
27 January 2012
The Treasure Box
Packing. A time of transition. A time of change. A time to throw out the old stuff and make room for new stuff. She was good at packing. She was also really good at weeding stuff out. All except for that old treasure box with the rusty old padlock. She'd held onto that box for so many years that she was no longer entirely sure what it contained. All she knew was that she hadn't been able to throw it away.
As she hefted a box of things to discard this time around, her eyes fell on that old, locked box once more. Setting the discarded items to one side to take care of later, she put her hands on her hips and considered the box more intently. Was it finally time to throw the old thing out? She'd never done anything with it, after all.
But a look inside wouldn't hurt. She was surprised to find that she knew exactly where she'd put the key. Like the box, it had floated around through her many moves, always somewhere near.
As she put the key into the padlock, she hesitated. The thing was so old. Maybe horrible, huge spiders had made their home in it, just waiting to jump out at her when she opened it. That would certainly be unpleasant. Or maybe whatever had been placed inside had dissolved completely, leaving just an empty box. Maybe that was all she'd been carrying around with her for so long. Nothing.
Or maybe, the treasure she'd once deemed valuable enough to lock up and safeguard was still in there, waiting for her to take it out and give it air. Now that she was there, holding the lock and key in her hands, she remembered what she'd locked inside. The thought of it warmed her heart and brought a smile to her lips. She turned the key.
But then the thought of spiders came rushing back, and suddenly, she was certain that the box was full of sticky webs and creeping, biting things that made her cringe in fear.
Did she dare? Was it worth it? Maybe she should just throw the box out and go back to weeding out the rest of her things. She'd been fine without the treasure all this time, after all. But she had to admit it, that treasure was something that meant a lot to her, even now. She had to see if it was still there.
Taking a deep breath, she twitched the key and felt the lock fall open in her hand. Setting key and lock aside, she placed both hands on the lid and heaved it open.
As she hefted a box of things to discard this time around, her eyes fell on that old, locked box once more. Setting the discarded items to one side to take care of later, she put her hands on her hips and considered the box more intently. Was it finally time to throw the old thing out? She'd never done anything with it, after all.
But a look inside wouldn't hurt. She was surprised to find that she knew exactly where she'd put the key. Like the box, it had floated around through her many moves, always somewhere near.
As she put the key into the padlock, she hesitated. The thing was so old. Maybe horrible, huge spiders had made their home in it, just waiting to jump out at her when she opened it. That would certainly be unpleasant. Or maybe whatever had been placed inside had dissolved completely, leaving just an empty box. Maybe that was all she'd been carrying around with her for so long. Nothing.
Or maybe, the treasure she'd once deemed valuable enough to lock up and safeguard was still in there, waiting for her to take it out and give it air. Now that she was there, holding the lock and key in her hands, she remembered what she'd locked inside. The thought of it warmed her heart and brought a smile to her lips. She turned the key.
But then the thought of spiders came rushing back, and suddenly, she was certain that the box was full of sticky webs and creeping, biting things that made her cringe in fear.
Did she dare? Was it worth it? Maybe she should just throw the box out and go back to weeding out the rest of her things. She'd been fine without the treasure all this time, after all. But she had to admit it, that treasure was something that meant a lot to her, even now. She had to see if it was still there.
Taking a deep breath, she twitched the key and felt the lock fall open in her hand. Setting key and lock aside, she placed both hands on the lid and heaved it open.
24 January 2012
Falling Together
The Lord blesses those who work. I'm convinced of it. In light of my public vow to improve my time management, I instituted a bedtime, a morning alarm, a workout regimen, and a task-tracking system. That may sound like a lot all at once, but it's not as big of a change as it sounds. I'd already started working out, so I just needed to give it more structure. Other than that, the regular sleep and wake-up times have made the biggest difference.
And you know what was so cool? It's like the Lord was just sitting there waiting for me to get my butt in gear and really go to work, because things started falling into place for me all of a sudden. I was sending out resumes and messaging people I'd worked with. Literally within seconds of sending a message to one of the Ensign employees, that very employee called me up because he'd just heard of a temporary/contract position that needed to be filled. In a flurry of exchanged phone calls, I ended up setting up an interview and skills test for today, and I just got back from that. I also reconnected with an old friend whose connections to a writing group will allow me to pursue a business opportunity I'm involved in.
This is a cool moment for me. A lot of things could blow up in my face or fall apart at the last second, but I don't mind, because it's proof to me that the Lord is just waiting for me to act so that He can bless me. If things fall apart, I'll go back to work and another opportunity will eventually present itself.
Sometimes, I think the Lord keeps us hanging for a little while just so that we can have the opportunity to witness the miracle of everything falling into place in perfect synchrony. For me, it just serves as a reminder of how grateful I am that I'm not alone in this big old world.
And you know what was so cool? It's like the Lord was just sitting there waiting for me to get my butt in gear and really go to work, because things started falling into place for me all of a sudden. I was sending out resumes and messaging people I'd worked with. Literally within seconds of sending a message to one of the Ensign employees, that very employee called me up because he'd just heard of a temporary/contract position that needed to be filled. In a flurry of exchanged phone calls, I ended up setting up an interview and skills test for today, and I just got back from that. I also reconnected with an old friend whose connections to a writing group will allow me to pursue a business opportunity I'm involved in.
This is a cool moment for me. A lot of things could blow up in my face or fall apart at the last second, but I don't mind, because it's proof to me that the Lord is just waiting for me to act so that He can bless me. If things fall apart, I'll go back to work and another opportunity will eventually present itself.
Sometimes, I think the Lord keeps us hanging for a little while just so that we can have the opportunity to witness the miracle of everything falling into place in perfect synchrony. For me, it just serves as a reminder of how grateful I am that I'm not alone in this big old world.
23 January 2012
Born This Way
Yes, I know the title of this post is also the title of a Lady Gaga song. I did that on purpose.
So I've been stewing over this particular thought for a long while now, so I'll try to do it justice. Oh, and welcome to what may become my first polemical post ever. Some people may hate it. But I'm toning down my quippy attitude for this one. I mean it sincerely.
When I first heard Lady Gaga's song, I thought it had a nice message to it. "I'm beautiful in my way, / 'Cause God makes no mistakes" is certainly an uplifting sentiment that I happen to agree with. Unfortunately, that's about where my warm-fuzzy feelings toward the song end.
As I've gotten older, I've become more aware that our society is pushing for more and more acceptance of every person's unique situation. Taken at face value, that seems like a really nice mentality, but it's never sat comfortably with me and I haven't been able to figure it out until recently.
Then I was reading The Continuous Atonement by Brad Wilcox, and he said this: "When we fold our arms and exclaim defiantly, 'It's just the way I am' or 'I was born this way,' we are denying the miracle of Christ---not just to save, but to redeem."
And that's what bugs me about the "Born this way" sentiment that we find all over the place. Yes, we are all born into this world with unique sets of characteristics and challenges, and God doesn't make any mistakes with our placement into the families we're born into. He knows exactly what we can handle and what we're capable of accomplishing. But that's just the thing: He wants us to accomplish. The word "accomplish" means to complete, finish, or perfect. We aren't born as blank slates, but we are all born with the fresh opportunity to take the painting we started with and finish it.
To use the excuse "It's just the way that I am" is exactly that: an excuse. In essence, it's an excuse to do nothing---to sit back and leave the painting alone. The Atonement was given not only to fix our mistakes and wipe us clean of past indiscretions, but also to change us and lift us higher than we were when we started. Even a person who does no wrong still needs the Atonement to elevate him to the level God wants him to reach.
Part of the reason this whole idea has jumped out at me is that I have struggled with that exact sentiment and used it as an excuse not to change: "I was born with the tendency to be a little lazy. I can't change it, because it's hardwired into my nature." And while it may be true that I lean toward idleness more than, say, my crazy-driven and highly-motivated brother, that doesn't mean that I can't change it. History is stuffed to the brim with stories of people who overcame their innate challenges and accomplished (there's that word again!) incredible things. Helen Keller. Albert Einstein. Joseph Smith. Beethoven. These stories would lose some of their timelessness if each person hadn't had struggles and setbacks to overcome.
And that's why I take issue with the "I was born this way" argument, no matter who is arguing it or why they're using it as an argument---even if it's me arguing with myself. Just because we are born a certain way doesn't mean that we are confined to those parameters. The Lord has given us everything we need to change and become what we want to be. For some people, sticking with what they were born with is good enough. Others use that ability to change in a negative way.
And then there are those who take the Lord's hand and allow Him to offer His expertise and all-knowing perspective in guiding them to become something truly astounding. What they become may not receive the honor and appreciation of the world, but they end up with a far greater reward: happiness. Not just happiness, but real joy. They become true heirs to everything the Lord has to offer.
Why would you settle for what you already have when the Lord is literally offering you everything?
So I've been stewing over this particular thought for a long while now, so I'll try to do it justice. Oh, and welcome to what may become my first polemical post ever. Some people may hate it. But I'm toning down my quippy attitude for this one. I mean it sincerely.
When I first heard Lady Gaga's song, I thought it had a nice message to it. "I'm beautiful in my way, / 'Cause God makes no mistakes" is certainly an uplifting sentiment that I happen to agree with. Unfortunately, that's about where my warm-fuzzy feelings toward the song end.
As I've gotten older, I've become more aware that our society is pushing for more and more acceptance of every person's unique situation. Taken at face value, that seems like a really nice mentality, but it's never sat comfortably with me and I haven't been able to figure it out until recently.
Then I was reading The Continuous Atonement by Brad Wilcox, and he said this: "When we fold our arms and exclaim defiantly, 'It's just the way I am' or 'I was born this way,' we are denying the miracle of Christ---not just to save, but to redeem."
And that's what bugs me about the "Born this way" sentiment that we find all over the place. Yes, we are all born into this world with unique sets of characteristics and challenges, and God doesn't make any mistakes with our placement into the families we're born into. He knows exactly what we can handle and what we're capable of accomplishing. But that's just the thing: He wants us to accomplish. The word "accomplish" means to complete, finish, or perfect. We aren't born as blank slates, but we are all born with the fresh opportunity to take the painting we started with and finish it.
To use the excuse "It's just the way that I am" is exactly that: an excuse. In essence, it's an excuse to do nothing---to sit back and leave the painting alone. The Atonement was given not only to fix our mistakes and wipe us clean of past indiscretions, but also to change us and lift us higher than we were when we started. Even a person who does no wrong still needs the Atonement to elevate him to the level God wants him to reach.
Part of the reason this whole idea has jumped out at me is that I have struggled with that exact sentiment and used it as an excuse not to change: "I was born with the tendency to be a little lazy. I can't change it, because it's hardwired into my nature." And while it may be true that I lean toward idleness more than, say, my crazy-driven and highly-motivated brother, that doesn't mean that I can't change it. History is stuffed to the brim with stories of people who overcame their innate challenges and accomplished (there's that word again!) incredible things. Helen Keller. Albert Einstein. Joseph Smith. Beethoven. These stories would lose some of their timelessness if each person hadn't had struggles and setbacks to overcome.
And that's why I take issue with the "I was born this way" argument, no matter who is arguing it or why they're using it as an argument---even if it's me arguing with myself. Just because we are born a certain way doesn't mean that we are confined to those parameters. The Lord has given us everything we need to change and become what we want to be. For some people, sticking with what they were born with is good enough. Others use that ability to change in a negative way.
And then there are those who take the Lord's hand and allow Him to offer His expertise and all-knowing perspective in guiding them to become something truly astounding. What they become may not receive the honor and appreciation of the world, but they end up with a far greater reward: happiness. Not just happiness, but real joy. They become true heirs to everything the Lord has to offer.
Why would you settle for what you already have when the Lord is literally offering you everything?
22 January 2012
NLMIA
No Longer Missing In Action.
Hopefully. I can't promise anything. I've had a few ideas for blog posts, but haven't gotten around to them out of shameful laziness. Yep. Laziness. I'm super annoyed at myself right now. Because this always happens to me when I'm jobless or have too much free time on my hands. I get lazy and totally unproductive.
But I have GOT to figure out how to avoid that rut. Right now, I'm on like a four-day cycle, where I'll be lazy for three days and then go crazy-productive on the fourth day. Then back to the lazy three days. Intersperse guilt-tripping every Sunday wherever it falls in the cycle as I vow to do better. I'm not happy about it. It could be worse, but it's not good enough for me, either.
So this is my promise to do a little better. A public one.
In other news: Still jobless. Still looking. Waiting on a couple of leads. Open to moving anywhere in the country. Feeling a little homesick. Not stressing enough about job hunting. Stressing about my lack of stress. Yep. It's a great place to be...
Really though, in all honesty, while I may be thoroughly dissatisfied with the bulk of my time management skills, this free time has allowed for some very good things. I'm going to the temple at least once a week (I worked out a bargain with my landlords to use their car for a couple of hours every Tuesday morning to go), I have time to read new books, I'm going to institute, I have time to prepare and teach lessons, and I keep having moments of incredible insight in the middle of all the muddled fuzziness that comes from being lazy. The last few weeks have been peppered with some very treasured messages from the Lord, usually when I'm in a busy spurt. Those have been increasing in frequency as I've gotten a little better at planning my days.
It's good to know that He still loves me, in spite of my sometimes multitudinous shortcomings.
Hopefully. I can't promise anything. I've had a few ideas for blog posts, but haven't gotten around to them out of shameful laziness. Yep. Laziness. I'm super annoyed at myself right now. Because this always happens to me when I'm jobless or have too much free time on my hands. I get lazy and totally unproductive.
But I have GOT to figure out how to avoid that rut. Right now, I'm on like a four-day cycle, where I'll be lazy for three days and then go crazy-productive on the fourth day. Then back to the lazy three days. Intersperse guilt-tripping every Sunday wherever it falls in the cycle as I vow to do better. I'm not happy about it. It could be worse, but it's not good enough for me, either.
So this is my promise to do a little better. A public one.
In other news: Still jobless. Still looking. Waiting on a couple of leads. Open to moving anywhere in the country. Feeling a little homesick. Not stressing enough about job hunting. Stressing about my lack of stress. Yep. It's a great place to be...
Really though, in all honesty, while I may be thoroughly dissatisfied with the bulk of my time management skills, this free time has allowed for some very good things. I'm going to the temple at least once a week (I worked out a bargain with my landlords to use their car for a couple of hours every Tuesday morning to go), I have time to read new books, I'm going to institute, I have time to prepare and teach lessons, and I keep having moments of incredible insight in the middle of all the muddled fuzziness that comes from being lazy. The last few weeks have been peppered with some very treasured messages from the Lord, usually when I'm in a busy spurt. Those have been increasing in frequency as I've gotten a little better at planning my days.
It's good to know that He still loves me, in spite of my sometimes multitudinous shortcomings.
05 January 2012
Verbing Weirds Language
Okay, so I usually try to space out my Calvin and Hobbes references, but I stumbled on this one the other day and it's just so... me.
I regularly do this to words when my inner-thesaurus stalls and I can't think of the one I actually want.
04 January 2012
Love
I love when my dad calls me late at night, just because he's thinking about me and wants to make sure that the stress of job hunting isn't killing me yet. He's the sweetest man alive. :)
01 January 2012
2011 By the Numbers
Welcome back! This is my obligatory Year in Review post, to help herald in 2012. Consider it my belated family-of-one Christmas letter. :)
Lesson Learned - The biggest thing I've learned from this past year? It's that the Lord guides our every step if we let Him. And He knows a better trail through the woods than we do. I have had my prayers answered and my dreams fulfilled (or helped out, if they haven't been fulfilled yet) in ways I never would have thought, but looking back, it makes a lot more sense than my plan did. The people I've worked with at the Church Magazines all have amazing stories of how they ended up doing what they're doing. When it comes down to it, I think everyone does. When you look back and see how your life has led up to the point it's at, it can be pretty amazing. To me, it's proof that my steps have been guided.
I had no way of knowing back when I joked with my high school classmate about editors and authors (ironically, she wanted to be the editor and I wanted to be the author---both of us have switched, now) that the knowledge we gained compiling seemingly useless trivia would actually contribute to me finding out that I really wanted to be an editor. Nor could I have guessed that jobs I thought were random and not really directly in my career path have actually made my career possible.
It gives me hope that my current choices, as shot-in-the-dark-ish as they feel to me, will yield similar results. The Lord knows where He wants me. The lessons I've learned this last year have made it possible to handle the pressure I'm facing now, at the start of 2012.
I look forward to yet another year of amazing experiences.
ZERO set-in-stone plans for my future, and zero job offers, but I'm hopeful and remarkably content with things anyway.
ONE college degree. <--- Those three simple words carry so much emotion, stress, and achievement behind them. I did it. It's taken me my whole life, but I did it.
TWO unexpected answers to prayers that I never actually prayed---the first, I loved my capstone literary class, which was something I expected to just have to suffer through. Surprisingly, the Lord sort of tricked me into signing up for a class that would become the best one I've ever taken (I seriously thought I'd signed up for a different section than the one I got). The second, I found a best friend in Bountiful, which was a prayer I hoped for, but never actually had the courage to say aloud. After all, you can only have so many best friends, right? I figured I was full-up on my quota of people who love me unconditionally. Turns out I was wrong.
THREE Boatright sisters who seem to have had a goal this year to prove to me that I have so much more family than genetics would indicate. Qait is a given, of course, but Maddie, Abby, and Rae have all shown the same kind of sisterly love and attachment. It may sound silly, but I always feel surprised and touched to find out that people love me as much as I love them.
FOUR months spent at the Ensign, which has been the most rewarding experience of my life.
FIVE years since I graduated from high school. Exactly. I finished high school in December of 2006. I feel only a little nostalgic about this. This year also marked the first time I spent Thanksgiving with my family in five years. I felt much more nostalgic about this.
SIX months are up: My student loan payments start now. I only mention this because it connects to another major achievement this year: I'm financially stable. Well and truly financially stable. I've been providing for myself for the last 5 years, but there's a difference between paying for all your own stuff and knowing how to do it smartly. Thanks to some valuable lessons from my parents, and some trial-and-error on my part, I feel like I've figured out the latter---and it's come back to bless me as I face impending unemployment.
SEVEN gorgeous decorative pillows that came with the bedding I bought for my
new apartment in Bountiful. I moved out of Provo much sooner than I'd
originally thought I would, but it seemed like the right thing to do,
and I've been so blessed in my new life. Provo will always have a
special spot in my heart (no matter how much people like to make fun of
it), but it's good to move on.
EIGHT hours spent reading a whole book in one sitting. That's not my fastest time, but it marked the return of my time to read for pleasure back in May. Since then, I have luxuriated in all the time I have to read, and I've devoured so many books this year. It's probably my favorite part of being graduated.
NINE months that Brian has been out on a mission. In that time, he has remained my best friend, and he continues to inspire me to be a better person, even though he's so far away.
TEN days on a houseboat on Lake Powell this summer, the best vacation that I ever had to be talked into. It reminded me again that my extended family is wonderful, and they're happy to be there for me when my immediate family is miles and miles away.
TEN days on a houseboat on Lake Powell this summer, the best vacation that I ever had to be talked into. It reminded me again that my extended family is wonderful, and they're happy to be there for me when my immediate family is miles and miles away.
Lesson Learned - The biggest thing I've learned from this past year? It's that the Lord guides our every step if we let Him. And He knows a better trail through the woods than we do. I have had my prayers answered and my dreams fulfilled (or helped out, if they haven't been fulfilled yet) in ways I never would have thought, but looking back, it makes a lot more sense than my plan did. The people I've worked with at the Church Magazines all have amazing stories of how they ended up doing what they're doing. When it comes down to it, I think everyone does. When you look back and see how your life has led up to the point it's at, it can be pretty amazing. To me, it's proof that my steps have been guided.
I had no way of knowing back when I joked with my high school classmate about editors and authors (ironically, she wanted to be the editor and I wanted to be the author---both of us have switched, now) that the knowledge we gained compiling seemingly useless trivia would actually contribute to me finding out that I really wanted to be an editor. Nor could I have guessed that jobs I thought were random and not really directly in my career path have actually made my career possible.
It gives me hope that my current choices, as shot-in-the-dark-ish as they feel to me, will yield similar results. The Lord knows where He wants me. The lessons I've learned this last year have made it possible to handle the pressure I'm facing now, at the start of 2012.
I look forward to yet another year of amazing experiences.
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