The Lord's Territory: True Freedom

I know, I know. It's been a long time. I got caught up in life and didn't slow down enough to come back to my blog. I wanted to share this video, though.


I love how personal and applicable Elder Bednar's lesson is. He illustrated so clearly how sins of omission not only halt progress, but cause backsliding. If we're not consciously choosing the Lord, we don't progress.

One of the most beautiful things that I noticed about his object lesson was something that he didn't call attention to, but I've found that it's very true in life: progress within the Lord's territory is unrestricted. We are free to move backward and forward as much as we'd like. We can move to the side, take a meandering course, whatever we choose.

Movement on Satan's side is pretty free too. Elder Bednar would not have stopped the boy from wandering around deeper in, but returning to the rug required great struggle, only possible if the boy could overpower him. Which he could have. The right leverage, the right coaching, and he could have regained the freedom to return to the rug. That's how the Atonement works. It gives us the added strength and knowledge to overcome the sins that hold us back.

Anyway, I just wanted to share. :)

In other news, I am happy and content. I've been at my job for almost six months now and have only had one horrible day so far (which, thankfully, had nothing to do with my office or my team -- just a snarly document that I was so tempted to destroy with fire). I actually got into a conversation last night about career versus motherhood, because a friend of mine, when I asked her what she was going to do with her master's degree, mentioned that she'd rather be a mom and that she didn't really want a career.

I used to feel that way.

Don't get me wrong, I still want to be a mother. But I don't resent the fact that I have a career, either. I'm enjoying it a lot, and will probably keep a toe in it when I do become a mom. I'm so looking forward to that.

In the meantime, I'm enjoying the freedom of wandering around in the Lord's territory. I'm putting that freedom to the test, sidestepping, slipping, sidetracking, coming back and going in deeper. But here's the thing about all of that: it's still the Lord's territory. Despite my weaknesses that may cause me to lose ground or slip back a little closer to the line, I'm still on His side, and there are blessings built into that that can't be taken away. Personal revelation comes when I ask. Inspiration is available even when I don't. The Spirit whispers encouragement. I am immediately and overwhelmingly blessed the second I stop sliding and take a step further in.

But don't ever forget that all the help of heaven is available to get lost souls back to the Lord's side.

Gee Whiz Files: Elevate Your Thoughts

I thought maybe I should start these Gee Whiz Files things up again. After all, I'm still working for the Church, it's still interesting, and I'm always correcting people's misconceptions about what it's like. Not that that's the only reason for Gee Whiz Files. Sometimes they're just fun, too.

Other times, like this one, they are perfectly timed and wonderfully applicable to the rest of my life. So, the Church Office Building elevators that I talked about forever ago? Yeah, those. Well, all of them have these little plaques that contain snippets from general conference talks. They call them "Elevate Your Thoughts" (Elevator Thoughts, get it?). I've always liked them. They're nice. It gives you something to read instead of having to make awkward eye contact when you're jammed in with 18 other people for 20+ floors. But I've also largely ignored them in the sense that I'll stare at them every day and still never be able to tell you what they actually say. 

Well, I got in the elevator today, and I just so happened to be in the one that had this quote, and it seemed beautifully fitting, considering the point of my last post. So I took a picture of it. I apologize that it's blurry. The elevator jolted to a stop and then some lady got in and stood between me and the plaque, so I had to work with what I got. 

It's beautiful and perfect nonetheless.

Just remember: sometimes, it's okay to feel like you're barely holding on for dear life. You don't have to be excelling in the gospel to be making progress.

Try and Try Again

Okay, I'm going to get real with you, here. Not that that is some huge deal, because I do it fairly often. I find it cleansing, even if it gets a little painful. But I'm up for some good catharsis if you are.

Sometimes, hope sucks. And dating definitely sucks. Not 100% of the time, but more than most of us would prefer.

Now, I've been pretty happy over the last several months. I've been chugging along, spending time with family and friends, saving money for big things (car, bed, furniture, tv, tablet, and maybe even travel plans, though the last one is only the tiniest of pipe dreams at the moment), diving back into large stacks of good books, deepening my devotion to the Lord, and rediscovering how much I just love everything about my life. 

My dating life was A-OK, pretty much because I didn't have one, and that was totally cool. Being crush-free is a delightful state, I'll be honest. My happiness didn't hinge on whether Mr. Brown-eyes (or blue, if you prefer) talked to me that day or not. I was happy all on my own. 

Then, suddenly, I fell in like. Not love. That's too strong. I was in like. 

There were a couple of guys. One that I was inclined to choose, and one who chose me. For the first time in my life, I actually wasn't sure which one I should actually decide to be interested in. Well, my choice was made for me. Guy A went for someone else; she was one of those girls that you totally adore because she's an angel, inside and out... and all the guys like her too. You can't hate her, because she's the nicest person you've ever met, but it still rips your heart out because every guy you know forgets you're there when she walks in the room. 

"Well, that's fine," I told myself. I've been through that routine before. 

I'd actually never met Guy B. He was a mutual friend. But we started to talk, and he was incredibly enjoyable to talk to. 

Cool. Maybe I can actually do this dating thing. 

However, this whole time, there was this insidious little voice at the back of my head that kept ticking off all the names of every One-Hit Wonder I've had in the last three years. Hey Lynnae, remember So-and-So? You really liked him, too, but he never asked you on that second date. Oh, and That Guy, he seemed interested, but he forgot about you, too. And let's not bring up Mr. Smalls, who actually ran away. Ever notice how you don't really get a chance to even try and see if something might be worth the risk?

But this is different. This time had to be different. I do deserve to be happy. Eventually, all the cards fall into place and it works out.

But not for you. Never for you. You just keep getting tortured, remember? It's like someone sets your favorite cake in front of you, but right as you go to take a bite, it gets yanked away and given to someone else. You can't take this anymore. It just might shatter you this time, right?

Shut up. It's going fine. Look, he wants to bring me flowers. And see that? He just told me I was beautiful. That's pretty awesome.

You'd better hope it's going fine. Because it's going to destroy you to be given up on again. Heartbreak's easier---at least then you feel validated for a little while. But if you don't get a chance with this one, you must be broken. Something must be wrong. You can't take another false-start relationship.

That whispering voice sounds familiar, doesn't it? That's because it's something we all hear. Maybe not about dating, but there's always something that challenges our conception of self-worth. And it always chimes in right about the time we start believing that we deserve to be happy. 

That's what happened for me. I managed to shut it up for a long while because it seemed like things really would be different. For once, I wasn't the one initiating. In fact, it occasionally felt like I was dragging my feet more than he was. 

But then, things out of either his control or mine happened. Plans got postponed. External pressure and stress was placed on him, and he started pulling away. Just like all the others. 

And I shattered. I mean, really shattered. 

It didn't matter that Guy B and I had never met, or that I didn't really know anything about him. We could have ended up having the worst date ever for all I knew. All I saw was that there was someone that could have been important, and everything was falling apart before it even started. Again. 

I got so frustrated. I got angry. I felt like I was being cheated. I'm a big girl. I can take it. I can handle heartbreak. I understand that relationships often don't work out. He might not end up interested in me, or I might not be all that interested in him. That's cool. That's how it goes. But DANG IT, I wanted to try. I wanted to take the risk, go for broke, and see if it was worth it. If it fell apart, at least I would know I'd given it my all. That's all I've ever wanted. 

But time and time again, I kept having the chance to try stolen away from me, like a precocious toddler who keeps getting pushed back from an interesting chemistry experiment by an impatient parent. "Stop that. You're too young. You'll hurt yourself. You can't play with that. That's for someone who's older."

It broke my heart. I think I cried harder over this than I did the last time I went through a breakup. Why was I allowed to get my hopes up if they would get yanked away before I'd even gotten a real taste? 

Okay, I'm going to digress for the tiniest second right here and make a seemingly unrelated confession: I've watched The Vampire Diaries. I'm not really that proud of it. In my opinion, it's only a few steps above Twilight as far as quality storytelling goes. But there's something that the show emphasizes about its vampires that will be relevant to my story: vampires can turn off their human emotions. Completely. They just switch it off, and they can't feel love, pain, guilt, sorrow, or compassion anymore. 

Got it? Well, that's what I wanted to do. I'd liked not being interested in anybody. It was easy. I just wanted to turn off the part of me that falls in love with people and never worry about it again. 

And the part that hurt the most was the certainty---accompanied by fear---that I never ever would be able to. I knew it. Sooner or later, someone else would come along, and no matter how hard I would try, I wouldn't be able resist getting my hopes up again. I will never be able to not do that. And I was equally certain that this cycle of losing out before I even got to try would also never end. 

I was even a little bit mad at the Lord for it. Did He enjoy seeing me grasping at empty air as each of the dozen or so Possibilities slipped away over the last few years? What was the point of hoping if this was all I was ever going to get for it?

I'm not proud of those thoughts. But I need you to know that I had them. I think we all have them at one point or another.

As I sat there, drowning in my own fear and frustration, I felt one of the worst things I've ever felt in my life. I realized that I'd drawn myself a line that I wasn't willing to let the Lord help me cross. Without even knowing it, I'd given Him an ultimatum and staked my faith on it. I wasn't willing to face this kind of circumstance even one more time, let alone possibly for the rest of my life. 

And as my sweet father asked me (yes, I was on the phone with him at the time---when am I not talking to my parents during these moments?) if I could face being alone like this for the rest of my life and still trust the Lord, I genuinely hesitated. In fact, I almost wanted to say, "No. I give up. I'm throwing in the towel."

That horrified me. For one tiny moment, I was staring into the awful blackness of who Lynnae would be if she didn't trust the Lord. It's the worst thing I've ever felt in my entire life. I will take a hundred heartbreaks, a million One-Hit Wonders or WorstDateEvers rather than ever have to feel like that again. 

It seems like such a trivial thing to have a crisis of faith over. People have stared death and devastating loss in the face without flinching, and I was breaking into pieces over dating of all things. 

But I learned something from it. And maybe others have gone through similar moments, which is why they face much greater trials without shrinking.

I learned that I could be pushed to the very edge of my own limits and still be okay, because the Lord, the one I had been angry at, had almost considered turning my back on, loved me still. His arms reached out and steadied me even as I pounded at Him furiously. 

Because that's how the Lord is. No matter how often we refuse His help and deny His offers to heal us, He still reaches out. Our happiness matters more than anything He receives from us in return. How can I expect to do any less if I want to become like Him?

My favorite quote about love comes from a philosophy book I was reading a couple of years ago:

"Love requires self-sacrifice, binds one's happiness to the good of another, makes one vulnerable to loss and grief, and strengthens one's commitment to the good."

I may not have found the kind of love that leads to marriage and family, but I've loved deeply enough to know that it is always worth it. All of those "missed" chances at love for me, well, maybe they're happy. I hope so. Because maybe at least some of them felt the same way. Maybe they were tired of dating and not finding the right person, too. But they had the courage to take a chance on me, even if it didn't go anywhere. Hopefully they've found women that they can build lives with. 

This wasn't Guy B's fault. If it hadn't been him, it would have been someone else. I was breaking long before Guy A or Guy B came around. I even still like Guy B, and that door isn't actually closed all the way, though I'm focusing my energy on friends and family who need me more right now. 

If anything, I owe Guy B, Guy A, and every other One-Hit Wonder or Almost-One-Hit Wonder (and even the WorstDateEvers) that I've ever met the most heartfelt thanks for being the kind of men that would make me want to try again and again, no matter what the risks are. It means that they are all exceptional, and well worth taking risks for. :)

I'm sorry for the long post. But I needed to share. People often commend me on my testimony and my faith. I'm grateful for such commendations. But I also know that many people struggle with their faith. It is to those people that I dedicate this post. I've been there. Our trials and circumstances may be different, but they all hurt the same. 

I love you all. The Lord loves you all. And unlike me, He will never falter or waver for even the smallest reason. Unlike me, He can lift you past your biggest chasms and help you break through your thickest walls. But I will always try.

I Told You So

Found this quote on Pinterest. It's awesome.

This might be a more open and frank post than I've written in a while, so we'll see how this goes.

You know how you can hear a thing a million times and know what it means, but then suddenly, one day, you wake up and find that you get it? That's what's happened to me this month.

So, we know that one of the most talked-about subjects in the world is love. Everyone has something to say about it. A lot of people have opinions about how to do it right.

Well, one of the best pieces of advice I've ever heard was from my mother (naturally---she's my sage of wisdom, so all my good stuff comes from her). Whenever I got into one of those "I hate being lonely" funks, she liked to remind me that it's vital to be able to find happiness on your own if you want to have a happy marriage. "Marriage isn't about two halves making a whole," she would say, "It's about two whole people working toward the same goals." Basically, if you expected another person to complete you and make you happy, you'd be disappointed. But if you could find ways to be happy on your own, it would be that much easier to find happiness in marriage. In a way, it was a blessing to be single.

Now, she's been telling me this for years. I can remember vividly a conversation on this exact topic about four years ago. We probably talked about it before that, too. And every time we did, I always found myself saying, "Yeah, I know that."And I did. But I didn't really get it.

Some of my friends may know this more than others, but I secretly have hated being single pretty much my whole life (well, since I was old enough to know what it means). Hated. All I ever wanted was to get married. My reasons have shifted and developed over the years, from a selfish desire to have someone who loved me and took care of me to a more mature desire to share a life and learn and grow with someone I can support and cherish. But always, it has been the only thing I really wanted. And I hated anything that kept that from me.

Tying both my desire and my hatred together was fear. I was afraid to let myself enjoy being single because I was afraid that maybe I would actually like it. And if I liked it, maybe I would like it too much. And then maybe I wouldn't want to get married. Or at least, maybe I would become too selfish to be a good wife and mother, because I would have had so much fun being single. It sounds stupid, but I have been subconsciously deathly afraid of that for years.

Over this last month, something just clicked for me, and I got it.

I've been lonely for a long time. Since I've lived in Bountiful, I haven't been able to connect with guys at all, really. My friendships have all been surface-level. I've only had first dates. I watched my friends get into and out of relationships in less time than it took me to get a guy to tell me something more meaningful than his major in school.

It wore me down big time. My friends saw a lot of the emotional turbulence from it, but neither they nor I really understood why I couldn't just snap out of it. I finally threw in the towel. I couldn't flirt, I couldn't catch a guy's interest, I couldn't hold a candle to my friends. So I decided that I was done with it. I was broken, and I wasn't going to get anywhere until I could fix it.

Many of my friends would probably argue and protest the claim that I was broken. Some of them actually did, when I occasionally made mention of it. I appreciate their reassurance. But I really was broken. That fear of allowing myself to be happy as a single woman was crippling me.

Then one day, I had a landmark conversation with one of my coworkers. She was telling me about her sisters. One of them was in a wonderful marriage, the kind we all secretly or openly dream about. The other one was in a so-so marriage. I was nodding in sympathy as my friend described the marriage until she started describing what her sister was like. She was describing me. Right down to the fact that her sister had only ever wanted to be married. Everything else was a distant second place.

Suddenly it clicked. Everything came crashing together at once, and I suddenly recognized that my fear of being single was keeping me from being happy and emotionally independent. I needed to shake that off and be happy.

Well, it was a big moment of self-realization for me. So I did the natural thing. I called my parents. As I rambled my way through my journey of self-discovery, they listened quietly. Then I hit the big, pivotal discovery and stopped, waiting to hear their response.

"That's wonderful, honey."

In that moment, I swear I could hear the smile on my mom's face through the phone. "Mom, you can say you told me so, now," I said.

And, basically, she did. Because she had been telling me exactly that for years. Learning to be happy on your own is the best gift you can give yourself, your spouse, and your children.

You want to know what the best part is?

It works. This has been one of the best months of my life. And I think I'm even more excited about getting married, now.

I Could Do with Some Weird

When Tempted...

by that deliciously tasty-looking sweet thing, remember this:

A moment on the lips

is not worth

A month on the hips

--Bryant the IT guy at work

Duct Tape is Silver

I've gotten less carefully-filtered over the last several months, and while I appreciate openness and honesty, I've also discovered that sometimes... it's just better not to say anything. Especially if it isn't a big deal.

Oh, and I sometimes feel like Calvin, too. Because, objectively speaking, I'm happy right now. But I'd really like to be incandescently joyful more often than I am. :)

Don't Eat Live Crocodiles

That was the advice I gave my brother today before he went into the MTC. See, we were talking about how death by food was such a lame way to go. Unless you're doing something epic, like trying to eat a live crocodile. I don't even remember how we got onto the topic.

But that's just how my relationship with my brother is. We don't need a reason to be the way we are. We just are.

And yes, my little brother, my wonderful, awesome, talented, genius little brother is officially in the MTC now. We just dropped him off, and, at my mom's orders, I'm blogging about my experience so that she and my dad can feel like they were there. Unfortunately, I've already written the more serious, sentimental version of the experience on Brian's missionary blog so if you want that version, you'll have to go there. These are just a few lighter moments I had with him before he left.

So. While Brian was here for school last semester, he and Michelle had this little bit going where he'd flirt shamelessly with her. Since there's a six-year age difference, it was always a little strange to watch. Well, he asked Michelle to "wait" for him last night. I felt slightly uncomfortable in the wake of the faux melodrama that unfolded. It included a warped rendition of "Will I Wait for You?" from Saturday's Warrior. Just so you know. Discomfort explained. 

This morning before we left, he and I may or may not have annoyed Grandpa by finishing off the delicious peanut butter bars (which, incidentally, may have started the topic of death-by-food and eating live crocodiles), but Grandpa couldn't exactly get too mad since, you know, Brian's a missionary and all. And Grandma and Grandpa are too proud of him for being the first grandchild to serve a mission that there's really no chance of them even getting mad at him.

He also had to get one last "little brother" moment in. I'd flopped back down on my mattress (on the floor in the front room) because I was still a little sleepy. My cousin decided to be nice, and threw a blanket over me. "I'm just trying to help," he said, when I gave him a look.

Right on cue, Brian reaches over and grabs the corner of that blanket. "I'm not," he declared as he yanked it right back off, wadded it up, and threw it at my face. Thank you, little brother. I love you too.

Brian also had one more sweet little brother moment too. Walking up to the temple to take pictures, I looped my arm through his and told him was enjoying it while I still could. "That's right," he replied, "because when I get back, I really hope you'll have your husband on your arm." Aw. *squee* Who could ask for a sweeter, more thoughtful little brother? I think he's wanted to do more damage to the crazy guys I've dated than I have. Fortunately, he never has, but it's nice to know that he's thought about it. And that he really wants me to find my happily ever after. Just like I'll be super stoked for his after he comes home.

All in all, I'm glad I got to spend the last two days with my little brother. He's pretty awesome. I'll still be snail mailing him, so it's not like I'm going to be completely out of touch with him for 2 whole years. In fact, I'll be better at writing him than I've ever been in my entire life. He already knows he should feel special, trust me. :)

It might sink in a little bit later, and I might cry, but in truth, I really don't feel inclined to cry at all right now. He's doing the right thing with his life, and how on earth could I ever feel sad about that?? My mom always taught me that we should embrace every phase of life for the promise it holds, and that's exactly what I'm doing.

Plus, Brian's going to be on his mission during 2012, when the world is supposed to end. So he'll be safer than most of us. Assuming of course that the world is going to end in May 2012... between you and me, I have my doubts about that.

So what is there to worry about?

Oh yeah, eating live crocodiles. That's bad. He's not supposed to do that.

Words of Wisdom

Brought to you by Chris Taney:

How are you supposed to light a fire in some girl's heart if you can't even light a candle??

So practice that candle-lighting, boys. Some girl will thank you for it some day.

Okay, so I totally mean that facetiously. (Although candlelit dinners are quite romantic.) It just came from a conversation Chris and I had this morning while finishing our papers because we'd watched Brendan try and fail several times to light the candle on the kitchen table. It made me laugh, so I thought I'd share it. Oh, and it might be  helpful to note that Chris said this to Brendan, not to me. I'm not attempting to light any fires in girls' hearts. Guys, on the other hand... ;)