Trail of Random Thoughts

Running through my head this morning:

Life is pretty good.

Procrastinating studying for a midterm isn't smart, but somehow it works for me.

Our couches suck, and my back hurts from having to sit on them for about 5 hours straight now.

I don't remember my dreams from last night, which is a bit sad, since I've been having some epic ones recently.

I never knew how early all my roommates got up in the morning until I woke up before all of them.

Cleaning checks are actually kind of nice. The house is spotless.

Sweat pants are comfy. I'd live in them if I could.

Stephanie is rubbing off on me. I now growl when frustrated and my filter is suffering.

My computer still needs to be dismantled so that the fan can be cleaned.

Some guys I know just don't appreciate how great they are.

My computer didn't overheat and freak out this morning. Hallelujah.

I still have to write that bibliographic essay.

Assuming I get a little more time, I have a few thoughts that I really need to write down from sacrament meeting on Sunday.

Basically, this trail leads to one simple conclusion: I have been up since before the sun peeked over the horizon studying for a British Lit midterm, and I am tired. Time to start my day for reals now.

The Most Effective Torture

So, I've been fighting a crush. A big one. For a lot of reasons, it is completely impractical to have said crush. And finally, last night, I swore it off forever. I vowed I would no longer indulge in any hopes relating to said crush, and all was fine and dandy... until I went to sleep, and my dream decided to project everything I missed about being in a relationship onto said crush, right after I tried to give up on it.

So I've concluded.

The most effective form of torture is the torture your own mind can devise. Which makes sense, I guess. When we read in the scriptures about the punishment of the wicked at the Second Coming, I was always struck by how poignant the descriptions of each person's thoughts would be. The torment of the wicked comes less from anything that God does to them and more from their own awareness of their past wrongs.

I suppose we each know how best to strike at our weak spots, being, as we are, intimately acquainted with ourselves. (Addendum: hopefully acquainted with ourselves. I've met people who have very little self-awareness at all).

But I don't intend this to be a depressing post on torture and the punishment of the wicked. No hellfire-and-brimstone lectures from me. :)

I was struck by the irony of the dream, and it made me realize that, in all honesty, I really miss that feeling of being loved and safe and just held. I don't often talk about it, because I find that the best way to handle being in a situation that isn't my ideal is just to behave as if it was and make the best of it. But every now and then, I think it's healthy to engage in a little honesty and admit that I really do miss being in a relationship.

Granted, I will never miss it enough to settle for mediocrity. Hence the issue with the unnamed guy who got mad at me. It didn't feel right, and while I appreciated the feeling of being liked and wanted, I don't need that kind of attention enough to dive into something that doesn't feel right. Given the choice, I will always choose being single over being with someone I don't really love, or don't feel like I could love.

Because I've been in love. And as incomplete as that was, it was close enough to the real thing that I know that nothing can make up for the lack of it. Which is why, in the long run, I don't mind being single right now. I take it as a good thing, because despite some of the opportunities I've had, I wouldn't have been happy and I would have wished I were still single.

As for my crush, I'll get over that. :)

Life in Summary

Hello blog world! Again, sorry for my "vacation" from blogging. Too bad I didn't have anything as nice as a real vacation to explain my absence. I've just been caught up in homework and rereading one of my favorite book series.

Granted, that can be a kind of vacation in and of itself. Especially since sometimes, I get so sucked into it that I forget I'm still in the real world. I kid you not. I was reading about a drought in one, a terrible terrible drought, and they were trying to save the trees by conserving water and using it on the root systems as much as they could. Then, suddenly, my roommate and one of her friends walks into the room, the friend asks for a drink, and my roommate, jokingly, replies, "no." Said friend replies ironically, "mm hm, can't waste any of that precious water, can we?"

My first thought was "NO! We can't! We need it for... wait..." Fortunately for me, my filter was fully functioning and nothing I thought actually came out my mouth. I just turned back to my book and buried my nose in it in self-realized mortification. Only to be sucked back in again and happily off on grand adventures once more.

*sigh* I love reading.

It's just hard to have to fit it in around everything else. Midterms (which I actually have, so I feel a bit bad about gloating around other people that I didn't. But! It's only one. And only for one class. Woot.), some bibliographic essay thingy that I really should do the research for, and keeping up with the endless amount of things to do in my magazine class. Also, I'm putting entries from this blog into a book for one of my InDesign projects, since it's sort of been doubling as my journal and I'd like to have a hard copy. So all of my more journal-esque entries have been selected to be added to said book.

Other than that, life is painstakingly normal. Nothing really new to report. Oh wait, except that I managed to really tick off this guy who was interested in dating me. That was interesting. In as few words as possible: he rushed me, I got flustered, I acted without thinking and fell off his little pedestal he'd put me on (you know how knights in shining armor may or may not fall off their horses sometimes? Yeah, same idea) and poof. It was all over within a week. And he's dating someone else now.

You know, the whole story kind of makes me laugh. Which maybe it shouldn't, but it does. I apparently don't handle things well when I feel rushed or pressured, but that's probably all for the best, then. If it hadn't been one thing, it would have inevitably been something else with said guy.

So yeah. That's a brief update on my life. In other news, I'm actually up early and have time to write before going to campus this morning, which is impressive, since I had a rather epic battle with my alarm this morning (part of it in my dreams, which made it correspondingly more epic in my head). Note to self, doubling my alarm does not, in fact, help me get up any earlier. It just make my dreams more wacky as I try my hardest to shut the dang thing up without entirely waking.

I'm Reading a Book

Hi! I haven't updated in a while. But I found this today and had to share, because reading has been one of the main reasons I haven't updated my blog...

Yeah. Don't you ever interrupt me while I'm reading a book. ;-)

I understand that Julian Smith is a bit of an acquired taste for some, but I love him. Especially when he does things like this.

*Sigh*

Hm. It seems I took an unplanned hiatus from blogging for a little while. Mostly because I've had a lot on my plate and I'm still processing half of it.

Today is... hard. Not sure why. I think it's stemming from the pressure to measure up. I have to measure up against all the other writers on my magazine staff. I have to measure up against other applicants for the Church Magazine Internship. And I guess sometimes I'm afraid I won't.

There are so many things I want. So many things I've worked so hard for. And, unfortunately, a lot of times where I've gotten a taste of my dreams, only to have them pushed off, delayed, or outright canceled out. Now, pretty much all of that has worked in my favor in the long run, but it does make it a little more difficult to believe that anything will happen when I attempt it, especially when my emotional stakes in the matter are high.

I don't know if I know how to explain. But essentially, my goals can be broken down in three basic things that I want more than anything else in the world. I've talked about them enough that we all know what they are: marriage/family, to go through the temple, and to succeed in my career. In the last year, all three areas have felt like they were almost achieved, and then suddenly, the rug was yanked out from under me and I hit some kind of setback, delay, or rejection in each one. And because my emotional stakes are high, each one has hurt, almost equally.

So part of me is scared to death to chase after anything, because that horrible little voice in my head whispers that it might always be this way. To come close and yet not achieve, all in the name of learning and growing from the experiences.

Don't get me wrong, I've learned so much, and I wouldn't undo anything. But it does make it hard to think that things will suddenly get better.

Oh Stephanie

Sometimes, I love my roommate. Here's why:

She was balancing pretzel sticks on her upper lip and trying to catch them on her tongue and blessed us with this little jewel:

"I can't loosen my lip muscle and stick out my tongue at the same time! That sounds like I'm trying to figure out the dynamics of kissing..."

Well...

Note to self, if I need to figure out the dynamics of kissing...

Hahahahaha. Joke. I think I've got that down already. ;-)

On the flip side, Stephanie has two dates this week. If those dates go well, I'll know to blame the pretzels.
 

Uh Oh Portfolio

Actually, this is very very far from an "uh oh" moment. On the contrary, it's probably one of the most exciting/stressful things I've dealt with in a long time.

Last night while I was in class, I got a call from a number I didn't recognize. I couldn't answer it (obviously), so I let it go to voicemail and checked it as soon as I could. It was a call from the recruiting representative at Church Magazines. She wanted my email address for "additional information" since I hadn't put it on my resume.

Now, my first thought was "oh crap!" because, let's be honest, leaving off such crucial contact information is kind of a big misstep to make in the professional world. Most people would use that as grounds for dismissing the application and moving on to someone else. Second of all, I hadn't changed my voicemail greeting message to make it more professional. While it's not one of those cutesy sing-songy greetings right now, it's not all that professional, either, and she'd specifically mentioned voicemail greetings as something to be professional about in the information meeting a couple of weeks ago. So that was two strikes against me.

My second thought was, "wait a minute, she called me to ask about my email address. Which means she cared enough to want to make sure I got it to her!" Which means that, as easy as it might have been to dismiss my application because they couldn't contact me in the usual way, they liked it enough to hunt me down and get my email from me so they could.

So now, I'm frantically scrambling my portfolio together because, yes, that's what they wanted. They wanted to see my editing and writing samples. So I made it into the second round of application-weeding! AHHHHHHH! :D

Trust me, I'm trying so hard not to get excited about this. It could all still end up in me not getting the job, but at the very least, I'm glad to have made it this far. I really am super stoked about this internship.

Daddy's Nose

I've inherited my father's nose. It looks exactly like his, and while I appreciate the tangible proof that I'm not adopted, sometimes, it's a source of grief. Namely when I get the also-inherited sinus infections that run in my dad's side of the family. They typically plague me about twice a year, though this year's bout with the curse of the sinus infection has led to a few interesting discoveries.

First of all, I'm a total lightweight when it comes to NyQuil. As my friends can attest, I was definitely a little loopy last night after taking some in an effort to make it so that I could breathe again. It knocked me out cold for about half an hour, and then once I regained consciousness, I was fuzzy-brained for way too long. Therefore, I hereby disclaim any responsibility for any idiotic thing I might have said. I was not fully functional.

Secondly, breathing is SO underrated! And people -- namely me -- get cranky when they can't get their normal allotment of air in each breath. So I also apologize for any snide or snippy comments that may have come from me in the last 24 hours.

Third, priesthood blessings are amazing! I asked for one last night because the NyQuil failed me (aside from the loopiness, it did nothing to alleviate my sinus infection), and the herbal tea that my mom swears by didn't do anything either. Fortunately, I love living in Provo, where worthy, honorable young men are often sitting in my front room, and so I got a blessing that promised that it would be much easier to deal with my sinus infection by morning, and that was certainly the case.

Fourth, I will probably be getting surgery this summer. Turns out my family's insurance will most likely cover the operation, and it's probably easier in the long run to get this taken care of before the marriage and family thing when I have other people to take care of. And hopefully it'll mean that my sinus infections will be less problematic in the future.

All in all, it's been another fun adventure with sinus infections. I'm actually looking forward to the surgery in the hopes that I will be able to breathe like other people afterwards. Sort of how, when you get glasses you realize that you can again see how the rest of the world sees. A similar idea, except with breathing, which, in my humble opinion, is kind of a big deal. Here's hoping I'm fully functional by tomorrow so that I can keep up with the demands of my crazy life.

There's so much else to tell, but I don't have the time to tell it right now, so maybe next time. Until then, I'm off to sleep (on my right side only, since I can't breathe if I sleep on my left side, apparently).

It's a Bit Scattered Tonight

Hi! I haven't updated a whole lot recently. And there's too much running around in my head right now for me to come up with any one thing to focus on, so I'll keep it simple tonight with a gratitude list.

-sexy jeans
-the best stuffed animal-cuddle-buddy in the world
-friends who flirt shamelessly
-people who play with my hair, or scratch my back, or rub my arms. I'm like a cat: I just like to be touched.
-death-by-chocolate pie by Stephanie
-priesthood blessings that make sinus headaches go away
-the boost it gives me to hear from a guy that I'm a rare catch
-a new book that's sucked me in and I have a hard time putting it down
-Megamind. It's just awesome
-coworkers who distract me from the frustration of writer's block
-long naps in a snuggly bed
-moments of delicious spontaneity with my roommate -- dinner and a movie is just fun that way
-unearthing other people who know and love The Slipper and the Rose
-being able to BREATHE! It's such an underrated sensation

And yeah. That's all tonight, folks!

Curse You, Writer's Block

Go figure. Right when I need a brilliant expose on the unity and diversity of South Africa, my ability to write goes completely caput. Which leaves me sitting here, staring at the 200 words I've written, wishing that the remaining 400 words would just write themselves. Because I seem to have run out of anything to say. Also, as a writer, it's frustrating to feel like I've "lost my voice" so to speak. Those 200 words I have written? They sound nothing like me. So that's also frustrating. Maybe I'll resort to something like this. It seems the only option I have left.