Musings

Yeah, so sometimes all the time, I think about things to write on my blog and then never get around to actually writing them down. I guess I'm just lazy. Or maybe just way too easily distracted by other things. Like friends. Or boys. Wait, scratch the boys. I'd love to be distracted by boys. Too bad none of them are actually distracting.

Maybe I've just gotten picky, but it has been really hard to find any guy who can hold my interest for more than a few days (on a romantic level---I've got a bunch of really awesome guy friends already). I think I've been spoiled by a couple of absolutely wonderful ex-boyfriends who did a great job of teaching me what it feels like not to settle.

Forgive the indulgence, but I'm going to simmer on some dating thoughts that have been circulating through my head recently. It's been awhile since I've dug into the romance-vault in my heart, so this will probably be simultaneously liberating and terrifying.

First of all, in meeting and talking to a lot of guys in the last few months, I often run up against "The List." You all know what "The List" is. Every girl has one. (So do guys, but they don't want us to know that.) Ironically, I keep running up against my guy-friends' lists. And their favorite list item keeps being "No drama." Well, gentlemen, it's hardly a wonder that you're still single, if that's your biggest requirement for a girl. Here's a secret: drama comes with the territory. Even if you meet a remarkably balanced and mellow woman, she will be pregnant someday, and she will have children (and possibly a husband) who drive her crazy.

But I digress. I've been thinking a lot about my list. Yes, I have one. Even when I was in denial about having a list, I had one. It's a pretty simple one.

Item one: Does [the man in question] put the Lord first?

Item two: Can I be myself with him/is there chemistry?

That's it. After knowing some pretty great guys who were all very different from each other, those were the two things that rose to the top as being the most important to get a "yes" answer to. Everything else either falls into place underneath those two items, or drops off onto the "It'd Be Nice if He Had This" List. (And yes, that list is probably WAY too long and includes some ridiculous or slightly contradictory qualifications like, "Irish accent," and "Latin dancer.")

But I've been coming to grips with just how difficult it can be to meet both items at the same time. The first one is pretty straightforward and can be measured by a simple look at the facts: temple recommend, church attendance, attitude about the Atonement, respect for sacred subjects no matter the situation, etc. But the second one is a lot harder, especially since it's highly dependent on an extended amount of exposure to the other person in a variety of situations. However, I can usually tell how much (or little) chemistry there is when a conversation has more in common with shoving a seated donkey around a baseball field than it does with participating in a lively game of tennis, where both sides engage the subject fairly evenly.

That alone is a major reason that my attention hasn't been grabbed by anyone. It's not that he has to be able to talk to me about books, or editing, or even English. He can hate his English classes for all I care. But can we talk? I don't care what the subject is. When you find someone you can really talk to, the conversation wanders all over the board. But whenever I try to strike up a conversation, most of the time it just kind of stalls, no matter how interesting I find him.

Which leads to my next thought: Timing is everything.

And apparently, now is so not the time. Or at least, it hasn't been. Nothing goes anywhere with any guy because I've had other things that I need to be doing. That could change in a month, or next week, or tonight, so I never stop trying, but it does mean that I get why things have been the way that they've been.

It also may offer some insight into why (for now, at least) I'm surprisingly unworried about dating. I like it. I enjoy flirting. I still feel stung when a guy flirts with me and then starts dating someone else. But I haven't been thrown off my balance for a long while, and knowing about timing probably has a lot to do with it. 

Third thought: I still believe in Happily Ever After. And I'm constantly surprised by how rarely other people do.

Notice that I never said I believed that Happily Ever After was easy. I know it takes a lot of grueling work. But I'm glad that it exists. Don't believe me? Have a little sit-down with President Uchtdorf's talks sometime. ;)

That being said, I wish more people believed in it. It doesn't matter how many times it doesn't work out. That's not a strike against the quality of your Happily Ever After. It just means you're that much more likely to recognize it when you find it.

And yes, I know, I hate hearing that, too. I hate hearing people say, "You have to experience the bad to appreciate the good." Especially when I'm in the middle of the bad. But you know what? There's a reason they say it. The trick is to accept it until you believe it. Then go out and chase it.

Succinct

Tonight I'm grateful for:

-Chuck, specifically John Casey
-Pretty blue eyes in an attractive male face
-Compliments on my eyes
-Oatmeal-raisin-chocolate-chip-pretzel cookies. They were delish
-Fitting back into a pair of jeans I haven't worn for months
-Girlfriends I can cuddle shamelessly with
-That pumpkin-spice-and-cinnamon hot chocolate. Still can't get enough of it
-The Johnsons being kind enough to pick up milk at the store for me since I was busy tonight
-Random Chinese movies with Tiara
-Texting Topher again. There are days when I really miss my best guy friend
-An email from my sweet missionary brother that totally made me cry. Yeah, I'm a sucker like that

Oh, and this is several days overdue, but my roommate from like, three years ago stayed at my house before flying out of SLC Airport the next morning, and we sat up late talking, laughing, and reliving some of the glory days. Angela, I have missed you! That was a great night. Thanks for messaging me out of the blue and asking to stay over. I loved every second of it.

Fluffy White Stuff

Why am I one of the only people I know who likes snow? I think it's beautiful. Especially since I grew up in the Midwest, where it gets hecka cold and hardly ever actually has snow. After years of wishing for snow to go with the cold (and discovering the delightful side effect that snow actually makes it a little bit warmer), I can't help but love the snow now.

Okay, except when it slushes into my shoes and soaks my feet. But my recent acquisition of proper snow boots should solve that problem.

Well, life is actually going pretty great. And when I say "life" I am of course referring to my social life, since "life" in the work sense has been on a perpetual high since September. And with that in mind, I bring you my list of things I'm grateful for today (because it's still November!)

- A really good friend I can talk to about anything. Our hot cocoa runs are the highlights of my week every time.
- Marathons of Chuck with new friends
- Having three places to be tonight and actually having to pick one. That's a problem I sometimes wish I had more often.
- A brand new phone that works so much better than my temperamental older one (don't worry. The number's still the same) that also happens to be a gorgeous shade of chocolate brown. Much more exciting than the blah grey it seemed to be online. Yes, I like the color brown. Deal with it.
- Getting a text on said new phone that said that Ender loves me because that's why he misses me. Almost word for word. Just change the pronouns. How cute is that? I love him, too.
- A bed that is utterly luxurious. I have the best sleep in the world (especially now that my pillow is back)
- The discovery of hot chocolate with cinnamon and pumpkin spice creamer. It's heaven in a cup.
- Going to Qait's next weekend
- The prospect of spending Thanksgiving with my family. I miss my mom's cooking. I haven't been home for Thanksgiving since 2006. It's about time. :)

And that's all folks.

Perceptive

You know, I think some guys never realize how easily we can see through them. For good or bad. And every now and then, I meet one who thinks he's got the jump on me without realizing that I'm already onto his game.

A clue to Mr. Not-so-sneaky: don't rant to me about how immature the girls in your life are, say you don't get it, and then try to flirt with me. The immaturity-dart is yours. And all it does is tell me to avoid dating you (or even getting close to you). Ever.

We Keep Weirdness Here

Today, I'm grateful for work. Well, I'm always grateful for work. But the people I work with are pretty darn funny. I won't try too hard to describe it because most of it is situational humor, which is all about timing and context. It's never funny when you try to tell someone else.

But we laugh a lot at work.

And I love working with other editors. The similar background and training means that many of us are familiar with the same kinds of things. It also means we're drawn to or at least can appreciate the same kinds of movies, books, etc. I don't think I've ever made an Oscar (the movie, not the award show) reference among relative strangers and actually had someone understand it. (Well okay, it happened once, and I then dated him for several months: you just can't pass up that kind of compatibility. (PS: I kid. Quoting Oscar was not the deciding factor in us dating. But it was a nice perk.)) But there is a whole handful of people here who know the movie without me having to show it to them first! Kindred spirits!

Here are some other things that my coworkers do or have that will probably remind you of me:

1. a Star Trek cookbook (and scans of the newspaper spotlight on the Harry Potter cookbook) and a knowledge of exactly what Tribbles are
2. blogs about editing
3. the ability to talk for hours about literary theory and archetypal patterns
4. pen fetishes (you know, the ones where you will tear apart a room looking for that generic Bic pen because it "just writes better" than all the other Bic pens)
5. well-annotated and partially memorized copies of the Chicago Manual of Style
6. a "Hobbit day," which is pretty much arbitrarily assigned based on whether one or more people feel like not wearing their shoes around the office that day
7. a willingness to share books---but only because we know that the borrower will be just as violently protective of the books as we are
8. a movie quote for every occasion (at least one person quotes a movie every few hours or so)
9. debates won by who can get to the most reliable information first
10. mutually shared love for warm fuzzy things, hot chocolate, colored pens, and books---preferably having all of the above at the same time
11. getting ridiculously giddy about discovering an obscure word meaning or grammar rule and then telling everyone else about it
12. any mention of Shakespeare, Jane Austen, J. R. R. Tolkien, or C. S. Lewis has the mysterious ability to draw at least three or four people out of their offices for a brief chat before returning to work---even if they're many feet down the hall or the door is shut

Honestly, this job is awesome. I've never met so many Lynnae-kind-of-nerds in the same place before! The sense of humor and witty banter is straight up my alley, too. There's a couple of men in my office that remind me so much of my dad in that way.

I really hope that this kind of employee-camaraderie isn't unique to the Church Magazines. It probably is. But the fact that we can throw a "Bad Candy Party" (which was really just code for a dessert potluck) and spend an hour playing Signs and whacking each other with a rolled up newspaper is just fantastic. It's nice to know that I don't have to get boring as I get older. Many of these people are twice my age.

So yes, I'm grateful for the people I work with. I have a lot of fun doing the work, and I have lot of fun working with the people. It's the best part of my life right now. :)

Ender's Lesson

I've often heard that you learn so much from having children. Well, I don't have children. Of my own, at least. But I learn a lot just from being an aunt to my best friend's children. Where better to learn the lessons of eternity than from those who have only very recently left it?

A couple of weekends ago, I spent a couple of days with Qait and her family. You all know how I feel about being there. It's the best thing in the world. But I can't stay there forever, and each time I leave, Ender's tears always tug at my heartstrings. This time was a little different, though. As Ender gets older, he's developed a lot more smarts about the adults in his life. He's gotten to the point where he knows that I live somewhere else, and when I leave, I'll be back. But that doesn't mean he likes it any better.

I told him I had to pack up my things, and he departed from his usual tears and "please stays" and decided to get mad that I was leaving instead. He growled (and three-year-old growls are just cute, even when they convey anger) and stormed away from me, refusing to look at me and deciding to take his anger out on the nearest toy, which he kicked across the room. I continued to patiently explain to him that I had to take care of other things, and that other people needed to see me, too, but he was too upset by the fact that I wasn't staying with him that he wasn't really listening.

I knew it was because he loved me. He wanted me to stay close by and play with him and fix his problems, just the way his mother did. I loved him too, but he wasn't listening to me when I tried to remind him just how much.

Finally, I dropped to my knees in front of him and caught his hand as he tried to push me away. I murmured soothingly in his ear and gathered him up into my arms, rocking him back and forth until his temper cooled. I told him I still loved him even when I wasn't with him. I told him that he still had Mom and Dad and Scarlett with him and that I would be back again soon. He still kept that sulky lower lip out for a while, but eventually, he relaxed and snuggled deep into my arms with a quiet "Love you, too."

That was an unusual experience where I had the chance to intervene in one of Ender's (rare) temper tantrums and be more "mom" than "aunt." And that was all I thought of it for awhile.

But over this last week, I've come to realize how very much I'm like Ender. I don't always completely understand things, and out of selfishness, I often want the Lord to stay really close by and fix all my problems. And when He tries to give me an answer, sometimes I push away or ignore Him because I'm too busy with my immediate problem.

And yet He is always willing to kneel at our eye level, pull us into His arms, and whisper "I love you" in our ears.

Nothing Ender did when he was upset changed how much I loved him. I only wanted him to be happy and trust that I was there for him. I didn't walk away or even look away from him during his fit. I kept all of my attention focused on how to help him understand. The Lord does the same thing for me.

When I get caught up in my own problems and stop listening to His voice, He doesn't leave me. My lack of understanding does not provoke Him into turning away. Instead, He sends the Spirit to speak to me on my level as He gathers me into His arms and reassures me that I am beloved and treasured. Far more so than I can possibly treasure Ender.

It's November now. Thanksgiving. It's one of my favorite holidays of the year (and I actually get to spend Thanksgiving with my family for the first time in five years) because it's a time where we make a special effort to express our gratitude. I am thankful for Ender, for the powerful lesson he taught me about my Savior's devotion to me. If I can love my nephew that much, how much more patient and loving is the Savior toward me?

I may get upset. I may even break things. But the Savior loves me still. I know I seem to relearn this lesson every few months (or weeks) or so, but it's such a vital thing for every child of God to understand.

I don't think I'll ever get tired of learning that lesson.