A Ghost Story

Happy Halloween! Here's a "ghost story" for you. 



May you give many scares this jolly Hallow's Eve.

New Happy Song

The thing I love about music? It usually sums up my life. This is pretty much how I feel right now.



I like the hopeful tone of the song. I'm pretty happy already, even if I'm still waiting for my clumsy mailman. But that'll happen someday, too. To quote a friend:

"One day a guy will walk into your life and show you why it never worked out with anyone else."

Curse You, Blog

Confession: I reread my own writing. Often. Possibly out of a combination of reminiscence, evaluation, and vanity.

And I did it tonight.

See the timestamp?

Crap.

Crapcrapcrap.

Normally, 12:15am? Not such a big deal. Except that graduation from college seemed to have instantaneously turned me into a little old lady who cannot function on less than 7 hours of sleep. My days of running full-tilt on 3 hours of sleep? Long gone.

I was going back through some very old posts on my blog and suddenly noticed the time. Poop.

Incidentally, when I turn my alarm on on my phone, it tells me how many hours and minutes I have until the alarm goes off. That "6 hours and 5 minutes" note is mocking me right now.

And of course, I had to blog about it. Because going straight to bed would be way too sensible for my track record tonight.

Yep. It's awesome. (Not.)

Peace out. I'm going to bed for reals this time.

Oh, and I wasted my landmark 300th post on this entry. Thought you should know. No epic landmark-occasion posts for you. You'll just have to wait for 400. :P

Thoughts on Motherhood

I've been stewing on this post for awhile. For several months now, I've had more friends in various stages of life than I ever have before. Some are single, some are married without children, some have young kids, some have teenagers, and some are empty nesters. Most of them are women.

I've been bothered a lot recently by a couple of friends in particular who, whenever the topic of children is brought up, always manage to point out that having children is full of trials. Oh, you get blessed, but it doesn't really make up for the long stretches of grief that they give you, they say. Every time they talk about children, I get the feeling that a small (or big) part of them feels regret or resentment towards their children. They made it sound like a life sentence rather than a rewarding challenge.

Now, I'm not a mother, obviously, but I am a child, and I have a mother. I know my siblings and I were occasionally (often) really good at making her lose her temper, and driving her crazy was sometimes a recreational pastime. (Not often: we weren't devil children.) But I never doubted that my mom truly felt that we were the greatest blessing in her life (besides Dad, of course). As I got older, that knowledge actually encouraged me to be a better daughter, because I wanted to always be a blessing in my mom's life.

No matter what I faced, I was always supported by the knowledge that my mother loved me more than anything else in this world, and nothing I could ever do would make her throw up her hands and give up on me.

Honestly, it would shatter me to find out that my mom considered me and my siblings a necessary trial that got in the way of other things. That's not what parenting is about. Its not just doing the world a service by raising kids to be responsible adults who contribute to the world in meaningful ways. I truly think that motherhood is meant to be the source of the greatest joys in the world.

Now, I get that not every woman is cut out to thrive on the difficulties of motherhood. Some women genuinely struggle with it (and I'm sure every woman has a hard time with being a good mother with varying degrees of frequency). But I've learned something over the last few years that I hope I never forget: how you allow yourself to think about a trial directly affects how you actually feel about it. When I start thinking that work is boring and repetitive and unfun, I find it harder and harder to go in and be productive. I'm just coming out of that, actually. Then I got sick of disliking my job and started focusing on the good things about it. It's a process that requires patience and consistency, but I've started to love my work again. I think the same thing applies to anything else, including motherhood. If you think that your children are a trial, that is what they become. If you consider them a blessing and a source of joy, the struggles, tantrums, and bad attitudes begin to pale in comparison to their incredible potential.

You tend to get what you focus on.

Personally, I look forward to having kids. I know how rewarding it is to see my younger siblings grow up well and fulfill their potential. It'll be a thousand times more worth it to help my own children do the same thing.

So a note for the future: don't let me complain about my kids. I never want to resent them or regret having them. Those feelings can do so much damage to children, no matter their age. I've known people who, even in adulthood, would have given everything to know that their parents loved them and didn't regret them.

I want to give my own children a home as filled with unconditional, unfailing love as my own was. Even when they smear poop on the walls, or tie each other up, or break curfew to party with questionable friends. My children will always know that their mother loves them. Even when I  lose my temper, because I'm sure it'll happen.

So yeah. I've been stewing on this for awhile because it's been bothering me. And it's made me eternally grateful for a mother who has never stopped loving me, no matter how much I've struggled.

Madness

Favorite song + favorite cover artist = favorite thing in the whole world.


Yes, I've posted his stuff before. What can I say? I'm smitten. This cover is too amazing not to share.

Happiness

Watching Merlin with Aisley, who seems to love the show for everything that got me hooked on it in the first place. It's like watching it for the first time all over again.

Finally, finally getting to The Mark of Athena after having to reread the two books before it because I couldn't remember anything that happened in them. I read them too fast. I will take my time on this one, so that I don't have to do this again when the next one comes out.

A call from my dad (who's been my own knight in shining armor the last few weeks, if you couldn't tell) just to double check and make sure that I'm doing well.

A blind date recommendation from my best friend's dad. He's very picky about men who are good enough to date his daughters (or in my case, his surrogate daughters) and apparently this one has won his respect. That he wants me to meet him, well, that reminds me that he wants the best for me, which is always a wonderful thing to know.

My nap was refreshing and rejuvenating today. I'd been feeling a little bit fragile today and I curled up in bed, listening to some peaceful music. Next thing I know, I'm waking up and feeling a million times better.

A friend who is just as touchy/cuddly as I am and knows exactly how tightly to hug me whenever she sees me.

A Spirit-filled Sunday. Lots of little reminders that I'm loved by an incredible Father in Heaven, who never gets tired of telling me that He loves me.

An email from my wonderful missionary brother who, somehow, even though he's a thousand miles away, knew exactly what to say to make my day a thousand times better. I can't wait to have him back in six months.

A long walk and talk with a longtime friend and coworker (a few days ago) that reminded me that the Lord puts people into our lives to bless us, whether they're serving us or we're serving them. Usually it's both.

Venting pent-up frustration by singing at the top of my lungs in the car. I don't do it that often, but it feels good when I do. 

Mountain Trails

She had been climbing this mountain for as long as she could remember. It was the ultimate goal, the ultimate test. Everyone who was anyone pitted themselves against this mountain in order to win the breathtaking achievement of seeing the whole world from the top.

It was the undertaking of a lifetime. Everything she could remember had happened on this mountain. She saw no other future than continued climbing.

But the mountain was tricky. It was so vast that millions of trails wound up its face, and thousands of little canyons cut across its slope.

One day, she found herself in one of those canyons. Her feet were aching, her body hurt, and suddenly, her path turned into a gentle downhill slope, and she slowed in confusion. She was supposed to be going up. Not down. This wasn't right. She had just finished a full-fledged sprint up a steep slope to one of the mountain's promontories, powered by the chance to get a glimpse of the view that surely spread out from her elevation. It had been worth it. The vista was incredible. She had indeed climbed far. The world spread around her like the view from a skyscraper.

Then the trail dipped back into the trees, obscuring her clear view of how far she'd come. And now this downward thing. She must have taken a wrong turn.

The sound of footsteps. A friend whose trail often intersected with hers came running toward her, grinned in greeting, and dashed off, weaving on an upward trail that had her gaining elevation fast.

The hiker felt her spirits plummet. That's the kind of trail she should be on. She looked ahead at her mostly-level, slightly downhill path and down at her legs that shook and ached with strain as she continued moving forward on them. Then she gritted her teeth and picked up her pace. She couldn't give up. She wouldn't. She turned onto her friend's trail and began to climb, though she was a long way from being able to run up the slope as her friend had.

Suddenly, someone stepped in front of her, blocking her way. Her eyes traveled from his feet to his face, and she recognized him. The Mountain Guide. He was the stuff of legend and myth among every hiker that tackled this mountain. The only man who had scaled it more than once. In fact, it was often said that he had scaled it so often that he knew every trail to the top. Every. Single. One. He put his hands out and gripped her upper arms. "Stop. Stop. What are you doing?"

She had been moving under sheer willpower, her muscles responding mechanically. Now that she wasn't moving, her muscles tightened painfully, crippling her. She sagged, but the Guide caught her and swept her into his arms, carrying her back to her trail. He set her down on a boulder and crouched in front of her.

Tears of discouragement filled her eyes. "Can't stop," she whispered, "I have to keep going up."

His hands massaged along her seized-up calf muscles with medical familiarity until he found the spot he was looking for. Without warning, he applied tremendous pressure to the knot in her muscles, and she cried out. "You have to," he replied. "It's not stopping if you take a rest, assess your abilities, and replenish your energy." He found another knot, making her gasp in pain again. "It also helps to work out kinks like these that are slowing you down. You can't do that on the run."

"But the trail," she mumbled through the pain, unable to say more.

The Guide understood her unspoken question. "Yes, it does level out. You may not gain elevation for a while, but it will go up again." He reached up and brushed the tears from her cheeks, looking at her with piercing eyes that seemed to see into the deepest part of her soul. "I choose the trails for every hiker, did you know that?"

She shook her head.

"I have climbed this mountain so many times that I know which hikers need which trails. I know what you can do. So I put you on this one. You'll get to the top if you stay on it." He pulled her to her feet, and she found that she could stand. Hesitantly, she took a few steps, and though her legs still shook, she found she could walk. The Guide took her hand and looped it through his arm, letting her lean on him a little. He set a pace that was comfortable for her. Much slower than her normal pace, but one that wouldn't wear her out again.

They made steady progress along the flat ground, and she felt her confidence start to return. She could do this. It may be slow going for a while, but she could do this.

Almost as if he could sense her thoughts, the Guide slipped her arm from his. "Someone else needs me, but I won't be far. Call if you need me, again." He stepped right into the trees, following a trail that only he could see. Just before he went out of sight, he stopped and looked back at her. "Keep going, child. Even slow progress is progress on a mountain like this. And I will always send help."

He slipped away, but it didn't seem like he was very far. She knew, deep down, that he was close enough to respond to her call if she needed him. Turning back to her path, she took a deep breath and kept walking.

Footsteps. On both sides. To her surprise, her path suddenly merged with multiple others, and several other hikers, all of whom she knew and loved, emerged from the trees and joined her. They took her hands and walked with her, their love pulling her onward.

A change beneath her feet made her look down in surprise.

Then she smiled.

The path had turned upward again.

Move Over, Ben & Jerry

I have a new lover, and his name is Almond Joy Cocoa.

After our excursion to the haunted village (which was far less haunted than the corn maze, which was far less haunted than the places I went in high school) we stopped to calm our racing hearts with some deliciously soothing hot chocolate and they had Almond Joy creamer, which is possibly the best idea I've ever heard of.

I'm happy.

Me and my little cup of heaven.

Incidentally, I vastly under appreciated the pleasure of going haunted housing with guys. I never did it in high school, and I think this is the first year I've done it since I started college. But they are fun. In that he-might-protect-you-or-he-might-join-in-scaring-you kind of way. Adds a whole new dimension to the adrenaline rush. (A Whole New World is playing in my head at the moment. Thought you ought to know.)

The evening was spontaneous. The chocolate was delicious. Remind me to send the Cardinal a note. (Props if you can name the movie quote I'm referring to)

Happy evening and I wish chocolatey dreams and warm fuzzies on all of you.

Little Blessing in a Big Package

So, a couple of weeks ago, I was having the crummiest day ever. I don't really remember why. I just felt super bummed out by life, and the only thing I wanted was my daddy.

Sometimes a girl just needs her dad.

But I knew that I wouldn't see him until Christmas. Its not like I can just drive down the road and see him. Something about knowing that it would be three-plus months until I saw him was just unbearable. I was just going to have to cry my eyes out and sort through my fractured emotions on my own.

Then, suddenly, I got a text from my dad. He had a short-notice business trip to Utah the next week, totally out of the blue. It was pretty much an overnight thing, and he'd only be able to see me for a short time, but he would be in Utah for one night.

The benefits of such a business trip for him aside, it felt like an answer to a prayer I hadn't even really prayed. Almost like the Lord was saying, "Here, Lynnae, I know you're having a hard time and you need your father. Let me bring him to you."

And bring him He did. My dad had so many meetings that I only had a couple of hours with him in all, but those couple of hours made all the difference. I may have talked my dad's ear off, but he listened kindly and gave me advice and reassurance.

Here's the thing about my relationship with my dad: neither of us may have the answers, but he always makes me feel like I can take on anything. His life is filled with small miracle after small miracle. He has so much faith in the Lord. He's so patient and understanding,and it helps me to be better at it, too.

I still haven't really figured anything out. I haven't made any major breakthroughs, but that doesn't matter. My life is in the hands of Someone who loved me enough to give me a tiny miracle in a dad-sized package, just because I was cracking under the pressure.

The Lord sometimes makes us wait for answers that we really want, and the waiting is always worth it, but I love that He never fails to give us reassurance and comfort in the meantime. Even if it means flying a girl's father out to see her because she needed him.

Me? Who the Heck Is That?

You know how guys often say that it drives them crazy because they don't know what goes on in a girl's mind? Yeah. Try being us. We're trapped in those confusing minds 24/7.

Ever have that nagging feeling that there's something about someone that you should know, but you haven't figured it out yet? I feel that way.

...

about myself.

I mean, I know a lot about myself. Obviously. I'm kind of stuck with me all the time.

But recently, I've had this nagging feeling that I have some kind of untapped potential, some hidden talent that I've never really bothered to develop because it's never come up. In the wake of accomplishing some major life goals, I feel like there's something else that I need to work on. Problem is, I have no idea what it is.

You know what I mean?

Don't worry. I have no idea, either.

Maybe there's this deeply buried domestic goddess who wants to explode outward. Or my long-stifled write-and-publish-a-book dreams. A world traveler? Concert pianist?

I've had some friends tell me that they loved being single because they finally had time to take up piano lessons, or learn to snowboard, or go horseback riding, or take a ballet class. All those unfulfilled ambitions. My problem? I don't really have any unfulfilled ambitions. Maybe I just lack ambition in general, but I never minded not learning the piano, or never taking ballet lessons. I never wanted to be a gymnast, or an astronaut. All the things I really wanted to do, I've either done or decided that I didn't actually want to do them as badly as I thought I did.

Granted, I've never been to Narnia or Hogwarts, but since those aren't real...

Don't mind me rambling. I'm thinking out loud (well, sort of. I'm thinking publicly, at least---for better or worse)

Worst. Date. Ever.

As promised, my best worst date story. I've had bad dates before, usually due to lack of planning or my date's...overenthusiasm...for me, but this one... well, you'll see.

So once upon a time, I met a guy at FHE. I know, shocking, right? He had these amazing big brown eyes (which I totally have a thing for, by the way) and the rest of him was pretty easy on the eyes, too. So I figured I'd get to know him.

Cut to a couple hours later. We're at my friend's house playing a game and he mentions to me that he thinks I'm super open and relatable and easy to talk to. Score for me, right? Then the great line: "I could see us being really good friends."

What the? He did not just friendzone me within a couple hours of meeting me. But whatever. I've been a bit short on guyfriends recently, so I didn't mind all that much.

Okay, so before meeting him, my friend had been twisting my arm to get me to do a double date with her, because apparently I need to get out more (what? I get out! Oh, going to the grocery store to refill my freezer with Ben & Jerry's doesn't count? Shoot.) That night, after meeting Mr. Shmoe (yes, I really am calling him that for the rest of this post), she was all up in my face. Askhim, askhim, askhim! she insisted. I expressed reluctance over my apparent friendzoning, but she waved that off, certain that it was just a harmless compliment.

Ha.

So I got around to asking him out. And by "got around" I mean I chickened out three times, simply because I hate asking guys out. It never goes well.

He said yes. Okay, worst bullet dodged. I started to feel a little better about a date.

Then I noticed that whenever we hung out, he was always talking about the most recent hot girl he'd met and how bummed he was that she never called him back, because he'd treat her so well and take such good care of her. Right. I may not be one of his "hot girls," but I was feeling a little underappreciated for someone he claimed to consider as a friend. If I was extremely fortunate, I got a "Hey, how was your day?" before he launched into his latest hot-girl-wooing escapade.

And of course, we girlspacefriends love to hear about how drop-dead gorgeous you think some other girl is. It totally makes us feel awesome.

Obviously, I was starting to be pretty sure he wasn't my type. I don't usually dig the guys who only go for hot girls. But I'd had friends like him before, and some of them turned out to be my very best guyfriends. I could totally live with that. Friend date it was, then.

Cut to the day of the date. I'd arranged for him to come pick me up. We were doing breakfast with my friend and her date because Mr. Shmoe had scheduled some other stuff in his morning and prevented the super awesome hike we were planning on. A blessing in disguise: I only had to spend two hours with him instead of six.

He texts me from his car, expecting me to come out. Lame. But I allowed for the possibility that not every guy is born to be chivalrous and walked out to the car. We had to pick up some extra food for the breakfast, so we went to the store. He insisted on the cheapest of everything, including the bacon that was more fat than meat. Gross.

Now, to his credit, he did offer to pay for the food, but I was already feeling annoyed by his inane chatter (about, surprise surprise, girls) at this point and didn't want to give him the satisfaction. Or my pride just got in the way. One of them. Perhaps it was arrogant of me, but I wanted to show him that real date etiquette requires some politeness, so I *ahem* "generously" covered the expense.

We get to my friend's house and walk in.

Okay, two items of background information: 1) I had dressed up a little. Nice shirt, jeans, full makeup, hair done. Obviously made some effort without being overdressed. 2) My friend is a beautiful girl. When we get there, she was still in jeans and a cooking-grease-friendly T-shirt.

Pretty much the first thing he says: "Wow, _______, you look really pretty this morning!" Yes, Mr. Shmoe, I already know that you find my friend attractive. But you are on a date with me. Please, restrain yourself next time. Or at least throw in a little, "Hey, Lynnae, you look very put-together today" in addition to your compliment of my friend. Even if you hated everything about my outfit, that would be an acceptable truth to express. Even girlspacefriends like to be noticed and/or appreciated.

We made breakfast. The guys cooked, thus earning some brownie points. Mr. Shmoe complained about the fatty bacon, which, if you recall, he picked out. Apparently it would mean extra time at the gym, working on those muscles, which seemed to be his favorite feature about himself (side note: several times, usually when he thinks no one is looking, I have in fact caught him checking his own muscles out, Uncle Rico-style).

In the commotion of everyone piling plates with food, he and I ended up with a couple of minutes just to ourselves, in which he took the opportunity to ask, "Hey Lynnae, can I ask you a question?" Hm. Maybe he's going to make sure I'm cool with being friends. A move that, at this point, I'd actually appreciate, since it would demonstrate that he's aware that I might be a little hurt by his attention to other girls. Such a potentially friendship-healing conversation got delayed, however, by the arrival of my friend and her date, ready to sit, eat, and chat.

Among the topics of conversation was an extended discussion of his date the day before with this beautiful girl he wanted to take to a fancy restaurant, but they got lost and had to settle for Applebees (the horror!) and another compliment-the-beauty-of-my-friend session. Now, I agreed wholeheartedly with everything he said about her. But, dude. We're on a date. You're showering praises on a girl who's on a date with someone else who is still in the room, and your date is sitting on the couch wondering if her camouflage skills are way better than she'd originally thought, because she appears to have been rendered invisible in the "Let's compliment people on their looks" game.

Again, girlspacefriends love being completely ignored when the topic of beautiful girls is brought up.

Then, Mr. Shmoe finally turned his full attention on me for what felt like the first time that whole morning and asked my favorite question of the day: "So Lynnae, are you dating anyone?"

Yes, Mr. Shmoe. I have a boyfriend. But you were so ridiculously good looking that I had to ditch him for the day and take you on this date instead. Yes, I thought that. What I actually said, "I wouldn't have asked you if I were."

He gave me this blank look, like the weight of what I just implied didn't register at all (it probably didn't).

After more stories about his dating life and more complimenting my friend on her looks, (Disclaimer: I did enjoy good conversation... when my friend and her date were talking, not when Mr. Shmoe was. I may be overreacting a little. Forgive me. Being ignored does that to me.) my friend had somewhere important to be, so we left.

Finally, he had the chance to ask me that question from earlier. Ready? Drum roll please.

...

...

Did I know such and such girl who was at my movie night a few nights ago? Because she was gorgeous and he had to find out who she was.

Not kidding. That was his all-important question he'd held onto for over an hour to ask me. Not "Lynnae, you're cool with us being friends, right?" Or even, "You don't have a thing for me, do you? Because that would be awkward." Nope, he skipped right over that and focused instead on my potential ability to set him up with another cookie cutter hot girl. (Not to slight said girl. She was pretty. But he goes for the same girl every time: brown hair, tan skin, tall and shapely, with Mary Kay quality makeup. He definitely has a very narrow type.)

Such a disappointment to learn that I didn't know anything about her (which was the truth: so many people had invited friends to that movie party that I only knew about half of them).

He dropped me off at not my house. Even though I told him it was the brick house with the white garage and the blue SUV in front and POINTED RIGHT AT IT as he drove past. He turned around and still passed it and then tried once again and pulled up in front of my neighbor's housethatlooksnothinglikemine and apparently figured that was good enough. (Seriously? He couldn't focus on me long enough to follow the directions to my house? I'm not that bad of a navigator.) He told me he had fun, and I gave him a noncommittal "Me too" (only because I like my friend and her date was nice to me). Then I walked the extra fifty paces past my neighbor's house to my own front door and hurried inside, eternally grateful that I didn't have to spend another second with him.

It took me a while to process how I felt, because, surprisingly, I didn't want to wallow with Ben & Jerry and cry about a guy who didn't seem to be attracted to me. Instead, I was mad. I was fired up and completely riled. I didn't care that he wasn't attracted to me. I cared that he thought he could act that way in front of me. I cared that I was so low on his list that he didn't bother to pay attention to my feelings. And that totally ticked me off. 

I'm not really an arrogant person. I don't expect everyone I meet to love and adore me. I don't expect to turn every head when I walk into a room. But I do expect to be treated with respect. I may not be every guy's cup of tea, but I'm a rich, creamy, delicious chocolate cake for somebody. I do not deserve to be walked all over. Assumptions about feminine overreaction aside, there are certain standards of respect and thoughtfulness that any two people should maintain in each other's company, especially on a date. Even my most casual of guyfriends who were actively dating and flirting with girls treated me better than Mr. Shmoe did on this date.

I don't hate him. Really, I don't. I recognize that he has good qualities. I wouldn't have considered being his friend if he didn't. If he wants to know what happened, I will certainly explain. But I don't want to be his friend. Not if he's going to treat me the way he did. And, in a weird, twisted way, he actually did me a huge favor. It took him taking me for granted for me to realize that I was taking myself for granted and vastly underestimating my own worth. I cared so much about how badly he treated me simply because I valued myself at a higher price than that.

So, I compiled a list of WhatNotToDos, decided that I was done letting him or anyone else (including myself) make me miserable, and decided that I was going to be exactly as happy as I wanted to be.

And that's how I snapped out of my I-don't-know-what-to-do funk.

Whadyaknow, She's Still Alive!

Sorry I've been gone for so long. This is probably the first time it actually has been a long time, and not just my skewed guilt about it being *gasp!* a whole week since I last wrote.

My excuse? I've been figuring stuff out.

I've been living life about three months at a time since last August and, unfortunately, it took its toll. I got sick of not having any answers and decided to be miserable about it. So yeah. I didn't write. Why write when you only feel gloomy about everything?

(Which totally just reminded me of a quote my mom loves: "I'd love to be a glow worm because glow worms are never glum. How can you be gloomy when the sun shines out your bum?" Suddenly my day is that much better. Something about that quote makes me smile every time.)

Okay, back on topic. So I just didn't write. I tried. I really did.

But thanks to the WORSTDATEEVER last weekend, I decided I was done being miserable and that I wanted to be happy. It sounds counterintuitive, but I promise it makes sense. At least, it will when I tell you the story, which I promise to. It's coming next. My organized brain doesn't like multi-topic posts because then I can never find the story again. So my worst date ever story gets its own post.

But what you need to know right now is that 1) my dad is the smartest man ever. Who needs a guru on a mountain when you have a genius father on speed dial? 2) I still have no answers to anything about my future, but at the moment, I only care a little bit, which a long step in the right direction from being so flustered about it that I couldn't cope with anything. 3) I've learned that I have some really devoted friends who never let me forget that they love me, even if it means they come over almost every night, despite my protests, just so that I have someone to talk to. Suddenly I have pseudo roommates who eat with me, watch movies with me, but never sleep over. And 4) I'm pretty darn content with life right now. (Incidentally, that means my fortune cookie from yesterday actually told me the truth. Awesome.)

More to come soon.