Beloved Uncle Mike

I was just made aware that Michael Jackson died today and felt the need to post and pay my respects and share at least one fond memory.

Now, there are a few hazards that come with being me. For one, no one ever says or spells my first name right the first time. And my last name... well...

I have been asked, at least 10 times in my lifetime, whether I was related to Michael Jackson. Um, no. Allow me to point out a few major reasons why this is so:

1) I. Am. Not. Black. Never have been, never will be. Nothing against black people -- they're actually kind of awesome. But my genetic code dictates a very low concentration of melanin which means that I get very pale in the winter and very pink in the summer. Michael Jackson, although whiter at his death than I will ever be, originally looked like this:

2) Do you know how many Jacksons there are out there??? According to http://howmanyofme.com/search/:

• There are 950,931 people in the U.S. with the last name Jackson.
• Statistically the 13th most popular last name.

So what are the odds that I'm actually related to him? About 1/951,000. Well, better than that, because I'm related to a bunch of Jacksons, but I don't do math or statistics. I'm an English major. Incidentally, bragging point: There are less than 5 people in this country with my name. How cool is that?

3) Don't you think I would have been a lot more famous if I had been related to him? I'm not starving for fame and fortune, but I'm not stupid. I would at least have nicer stuff, maybe my own car, and a nice cushy internship in my chosen career field if I'd had strings to pull. But I don't. Which is why I'm here.

Now that aside, I have always enjoyed his music and I commend him for his work in the 1980's. He was an integral part of the merging of black and Caucasian cultural differences. And he revolutionized dancing forever. No one will ever forget his trademark moonwalk. So, Dear "Uncle-who's-not-really-my-uncle-because-we-share-nothing-but-a-last-name" Michael, rest in peace and may your post-mortal existence be better than this one. Because, let's be honest, this one kind of stank for you.