If Ye Are Prepared

I'm a planner. I like thinking ahead. I was the BYU Freshman who had all of my classes planned out until graduation. Each semester, I revisited that schedule and changed it, but I had a plan. For most of my life, I've been able to see where I would be for more than a year ahead.

Now, I have no idea what life will be like for me three weeks from now.

My internship is ending on December 30th. I have one job interview this week and a couple of leads on places to look for employment, but after that, nothing. If I don't land this job, I'm not sure where to start on anything else.

For all intents and purposes, you should expect to find my picture under the dictionary definition for "panic attack." (Incidentally, I just checked: Webster's does not have an entry for "panic attack," but dictionary.com does---because knowing that matters to me.) I should be having a nervous breakdown right now. And, to be frank, when people start digging vigorously into my plans for my future, I get the flutterings of panic in the pit of my stomach.

But I am consistently surprised how at peace I am in general. When I'm not actively answering questions about my future, the stress is rarely eating at the back of my mind the way I'd expect it to.

And it's not that I'm a master at stress-management (family and ex-roommates, feel free to smirk knowingly here) or that I'm lazy and unconcerned about my future or anything. I owe my peace of mind to the Lord.

I'm not perfect at trusting in His plan for me, but I've noticed recently that I've gotten better at it. I feel confident that I'm in the right place, doing the right thing.

I had a really beautiful conversation with my friends at work during a meeting, where we talked about the meaning of the scripture "If ye are prepared, ye shall not fear," namely, why we don't need to fear. It comes down to the idea that the Lord loves us so very much that He wants us to succeed. He wants us to be happy and fulfilled. He will never set us up for failure or abject misery. He may allow us to experience things that test us and make us grow, but He will never try to make us miserable. The preparation part is our responsibility to do what is within our control. He will take care of the rest.

I'm feeling comfortable with my end of this preparation scale, and I know that the Lord keeps His promises. And not everything in my life is up in the air. There are some things that I do have control over that are contributing to my peace of mind:
~I have a place to live (more than one, actually, thanks to generous offers from friends and psuedo-family-members) for an indefinite amount of time, and multiple offers that will accommodate my financial needs if I need to tighten my living expenses.
~Thanks to saving for a car, I've built up a healthy little nest egg of savings that will support me for a few months of unemployment. I need that money for a car, but it's there if the greater need of survival comes up.
~My resume is polished and well-rounded---and extremely adaptable to the various types of jobs I've been looking at/applying for.

I can't control whether a company considers my application or not. I can't dictate the outcomes of job interviews. I can't be confident that I'm the best-qualified applicant for the job. But I can keep the rest of my life in order so that, no matter how hard it gets or how long the job hunt draws out, I have some measure of security.

Here are a couple of other reasons why I'm not panicky right now:

~In a priesthood blessing, the Lord told me flat-out not to worry---that's a pretty good reason, don't you think?
~I just got a new calling in my ward, less than three weeks before, ostensibly, I would have to move---since callings are divinely inspired, I feel allowed to hope that that means the Lord kind of wants to keep me in the same place for a little longer.
~Normally, I'd have the packing boxes out and would be more than halfway packed by now, but I've felt no inclination whatsoever to pack. This break from my typical behavior suggests either hope-driven delusion, or Spirit-inspired stupor of thought regarding packing. If it's the former, I have bigger problems than packing to worry about. I'd like to think that I'm fairly receptive to the promptings of the Spirit. Enough so that I'd know whether I should start packing or not.
~I also keep experiencing stupors of thought when it comes to jobs outside of Salt Lake. The ones that keep coming back up---or dropping in my lap in the first place---are all local. Another thing that makes me feel hopeful about finding something nearby so that I don't have to uproot and start over completely once again.

I hope that gives you a little peek into my mind (and my future) and puts to rest a few of your questions. I'd also like to express my sincere gratitude for the people in my life who have been praying for me, crossing their fingers for me, thinking about me, and wishing for my success. It makes a huge difference to know that I am loved and supported. I wish each of you success in the dreams you're chasing as well.