Ender-love

I want to be a mom. There, I said it. That is the number one goal of my entire existence: to have a family. I cloak it in my career aspirations and my lengthy lists of things to do, but if you sit down and look at my list of life goals (assuming I ever let you sit down and read it...) the vast majority have to do with being a wife and a mother.

Now, I'm not saying that I'm one of those crazy women who is on the hunt for a husband, just so she can start "multiplying and replenishing the earth" single-handedly, because that's kind of weird (and creepy).

I blame this face 100% for my ridiculous attachment
to my little nephew. He owns my heart completely.

But, I just came home from spending the evening (and wee morning hours) with Qait and her family. As you all know, her son, Ender, has me completely wrapped around his finger, and last night was no exception. I love being a part of his life. He'd grab my hand and swing around my legs, wrap his arms around my thigh, and climb around on my lap while Q and I sat on the couch talking. Even getting accidentally kicked, or having my sunburn scraped over by a lego-plane on a rescue mission was far more enjoyable than it was painful. Most of the time, I just thought how nice it would be to have a son like him.

But what really got me was when we put him to bed. For most of it, I just sat there at the end of his bed as Q read him a book, sang him a song, and helped him say his prayers. It is one of the most heartwarming things in the world to hear that tiny little voice pray to his Heavenly Father. As she sang to him, I got caught up in this mental time warp between reality and all those years ago when my mom used to pile me, Brian, and Jess on her lap and rock us to sleep singing "I Wonder When He Comes Again." Then Ender looked at me and said, "Lynnae needs a hug!" So I got up and bent over him to give him a hug and a kiss, while his little lips murmured "Love you" in my ear.

Just before we walked out of the room, Ender suddenly cried out in panic, "Mommy, I don't want to go to the dentist!!!" We'd been talking about it earlier, meaning that he'd be going to the dentist in a couple of weeks to get his teeth checked, but he thought we'd be going when he woke up in the morning. The terror in his voice about ripped my heartstrings to shreds. But all it took was his mother whispering soothingly to him to reassure him enough that he could lay quietly and go to sleep.

So many reasons I want to be a mom. Sure, there are the temper tantrums and potty training messes (and I've helped Qait with some of those) and little-boy-fascinations with dirt and mud, but, even in my limited experience, those quiet love yous and bedtime prayers and stories more than make up for the messes and tantrums.

I haven't always been good with kids. I babysat very rarely (and usually only older kids: ages 8-12) as a teenager. Sometimes I've been afraid that my maternal instincts might be underdeveloped or nonexistent, but when I look at Ender, something stirs, and I know that what I feel about my nephew will be a hundred times stronger for my own children.

I just can't wait to meet them. :)