Easter

I know I haven't been blogging very often. There are a lot of reasons for that, many of them having to do with personal struggles. But today is Easter, and it means more to me this year than I think it ever has.

I've never been much into the chocolate, bunnies, and eggs for Easter. You can probably credit that to my parents, who have never been big on it either. Because of that, Easter has only had one prominent meaning for me: the Resurrection. I didn't usually have chocolate or baskets to look forward to, and it did mean that Easter didn't hold a ton of significance for me as a kid, because I didn't really understand the Atonement back then.

But as I've gotten older and come to understand how much I need Christ, Easter has started to become one of my favorite times of the year. This year, I've been thinking a lot about how my Savior sees me.

That may sound a little odd. But I know how I feel about Him. And the more I study the Atonement, the more I realize that I am absolutely nothing without Him. But that often leads to those terrible feelings of not being good enough to deserve that kind of love, especially when I've been struggling in other areas of my life.

But this whole weekend, I've been trying to forget how inadequate I feel and focus on how the Lord feels about me. It helps that my wonderful, amazing missionary brother seems to be having the same feelings of inadequacy that I have. It's easy to see how the Lord feels about Brian, because it's a magnification of the love I feel for him. I would move heaven and earth to lighten my brother's load and show him that he hasn't given me any reason to be disappointed in him. Even his struggles have made me love him all the more. I know the Lord's feelings about my brother are unfathomably deeper than my own.

If I can see the Lord's never-failing love for my brother, doesn't it make sense that He feels the same about me, inadequate though I am? I wish I could explain how I feel. For a girl who has made words her life, this is one subject that I can never do justice to. Words fail me every single time.

But I know this. That it's okay to look up at heaven and cry out, "I can't do this anymore." It's okay to be like the father of a stricken boy who looked up at the mortal Christ with pleading eyes and begged, "Help thou my unbelief." Faith was a prerequisite to the miracle that father sought, but he knew he was weak. When Jesus asked him if he had faith, he answered yes. But there seems to be an unwritten exchange in that moment, in which the father reevaluates himself and then says some of the sweetest words ever uttered, "Help thou my unbelief."

What I love most about that story is that Christ heals the boy, knowing that weak as it was, the father's faith was still enough.

It's okay to ask the Lord to be our strength because ours has run out.

That's when He wraps His arms around you and lifts both you and your heavy load. And at His touch, you suddenly realize that the warmth of His closeness is utterly familiar to you, because He's always been right there, hands outstretched to brace you at the slightest stumble.

The weaknesses we feel, the self-doubt, and inadequacy, are our own feelings, not His. No amount of trial and error or personal failings can ever make Him turn away from us. Think of a person you dearly love who has struggled. Would you, even for a second, really consider giving up on them? Never. You may let them make their choices, but would you be there in an instant if they asked for your help? I hope the answer is yes. It certainly is yes when it comes to the Savior's attention to each of us.

You know, I have studied literary figures and heroes practically my whole life. And for all of their virtues, no hero ever comes close to being able to do for the people they serve and die for what Christ has done for every. single. person who has ever lived on this earth. For you. For me. Every day.

I love this song, and I think it sums up many of my feelings about the Savior on this most sacred and beautiful of days.



I love my Savior. I am nothing without Him, and yet He has made everything of me. I hope you all feel His love today especially, and every day.

Happy Easter