The Most Effective Torture

So, I've been fighting a crush. A big one. For a lot of reasons, it is completely impractical to have said crush. And finally, last night, I swore it off forever. I vowed I would no longer indulge in any hopes relating to said crush, and all was fine and dandy... until I went to sleep, and my dream decided to project everything I missed about being in a relationship onto said crush, right after I tried to give up on it.

So I've concluded.

The most effective form of torture is the torture your own mind can devise. Which makes sense, I guess. When we read in the scriptures about the punishment of the wicked at the Second Coming, I was always struck by how poignant the descriptions of each person's thoughts would be. The torment of the wicked comes less from anything that God does to them and more from their own awareness of their past wrongs.

I suppose we each know how best to strike at our weak spots, being, as we are, intimately acquainted with ourselves. (Addendum: hopefully acquainted with ourselves. I've met people who have very little self-awareness at all).

But I don't intend this to be a depressing post on torture and the punishment of the wicked. No hellfire-and-brimstone lectures from me. :)

I was struck by the irony of the dream, and it made me realize that, in all honesty, I really miss that feeling of being loved and safe and just held. I don't often talk about it, because I find that the best way to handle being in a situation that isn't my ideal is just to behave as if it was and make the best of it. But every now and then, I think it's healthy to engage in a little honesty and admit that I really do miss being in a relationship.

Granted, I will never miss it enough to settle for mediocrity. Hence the issue with the unnamed guy who got mad at me. It didn't feel right, and while I appreciated the feeling of being liked and wanted, I don't need that kind of attention enough to dive into something that doesn't feel right. Given the choice, I will always choose being single over being with someone I don't really love, or don't feel like I could love.

Because I've been in love. And as incomplete as that was, it was close enough to the real thing that I know that nothing can make up for the lack of it. Which is why, in the long run, I don't mind being single right now. I take it as a good thing, because despite some of the opportunities I've had, I wouldn't have been happy and I would have wished I were still single.

As for my crush, I'll get over that. :)