*Sigh*

Hm. It seems I took an unplanned hiatus from blogging for a little while. Mostly because I've had a lot on my plate and I'm still processing half of it.

Today is... hard. Not sure why. I think it's stemming from the pressure to measure up. I have to measure up against all the other writers on my magazine staff. I have to measure up against other applicants for the Church Magazine Internship. And I guess sometimes I'm afraid I won't.

There are so many things I want. So many things I've worked so hard for. And, unfortunately, a lot of times where I've gotten a taste of my dreams, only to have them pushed off, delayed, or outright canceled out. Now, pretty much all of that has worked in my favor in the long run, but it does make it a little more difficult to believe that anything will happen when I attempt it, especially when my emotional stakes in the matter are high.

I don't know if I know how to explain. But essentially, my goals can be broken down in three basic things that I want more than anything else in the world. I've talked about them enough that we all know what they are: marriage/family, to go through the temple, and to succeed in my career. In the last year, all three areas have felt like they were almost achieved, and then suddenly, the rug was yanked out from under me and I hit some kind of setback, delay, or rejection in each one. And because my emotional stakes are high, each one has hurt, almost equally.

So part of me is scared to death to chase after anything, because that horrible little voice in my head whispers that it might always be this way. To come close and yet not achieve, all in the name of learning and growing from the experiences.

Don't get me wrong, I've learned so much, and I wouldn't undo anything. But it does make it hard to think that things will suddenly get better.