Olfactory Whinings

So, I'm going to take a moment to indulge in some legitimate whining. I like to think of myself as a pretty understanding person. I try not to complain or whine about how other people behave because that's entirely their business, even if it does inconvenience me. But sometimes my personal comfort is jeopardized to the extent that I lose any and all patience.

Such is the case with all the odor-OD'd people on the planet. I mean, really? Do you really need to douse yourself in scent when you walk out the door? All it does is leave the people around you suffocating in a nuclear cloud of something-that-doesn't-smell-all-that-good-anyway.

On top of that, I'm more sensitive than most people, especially during this season. Even walking to school and breathing the crisp air gives me a sinus headache sometimes. Which is a huge shame because I love the faint whiff of crabapple blossoms floating on the air all along the walk from my apartment to campus.

So yesterday, I walked out of the Humanities Publication lab and found myself behind some lady wearing a truly heinous amount of that horrible old-lady perfume. Trying not to make any audible gagging sounds, I allowed myself a greater following distance, but it still didn't help. The cloud hung in the hallway like an invisible fog. I escaped for a short while, but had to return to the lab 15 minutes later. Lady PerfumeBomb had tucked herself in her office, but she'd left the door open, and her old-lady perfume had spread out to occupy the entire lobby and half of the hallway between the stairs and the lab. Needless to say, my sinus headache didn't go away for several hours after that.

Also, a note to you freshman boys on campus interviewing for mission calls on Tuesday and Wednesday nights: we all hate your AXE body spray. I'd tell you to burn it, but that would just risk releasing still more of the odious fumes on an already-suffering populace. There are few things I hate more than running back into my office to grab something I forgot and being forced to lapse into an AXE coma because I can't see or think straight after navigating through the roiling haze wafting from all of you sitting around my door.

A friend recently posted a similarly-themed rant on his blog, and he quoted an excerpt from How to Be a Gentleman:

"A gentleman considers cologne intimate apparel. It should not cause comment, positive or negative, among other people in the room. Instead, it should be saved as a pleasant surprise for people with whom he makes close physical contact. A gentleman understands that cologne is, after all, an accessory. It is not to be used as a substitute for deodorant... When used to excess, cologne is annoying and raises questions about what smells are being covered up. Anytime a person can identify the brand of scent that a man is wearing, he is wearing too much."

I don't blog much about my ex-boyfriend out of respect to both him and his brand-new bride, but one of the things that I always liked about him was that he smelled subtly good. Usually I was the only one who knew it, because you had to be quite close to him to catch that delicious whiff of Oldspice at all. It always felt like I had this little just-for-me treat whenever we were in a room with anyone else. That's what makes truly good-smelling people, and best of all, I don't get a sinus headache from a smell that light.

Now don't get me wrong, I'm not targeting only men here. Women are just as guilty of over-doing the scent-factor. (Case-in-point: Lady PerfumeBomb) When I can tell that you are slathering on Victoria's Secret Sweet Seduction lotion from across the room, you're putting on too much. It doesn't matter if you can't smell it on yourself: you're used to the scent anyway. Chances are, if you can smell it on yourself, you've got too much. General rule of thumb for perfume: half a spritz on the wrists and half a spritz along your collarbone. That will be enough to give your man a little olfactory buzz when he leans in to whisper in your ear, but you'll spare everyone else.

Besides, women already have a built-in scent weapon: our hair. Almost all women's shampoos smell really good. And it's hard to OD on shampoo scent, since you always dilute it with water while you're washing your hair. But I have had countless boys tell me that the smell they love the most is their girlfriend's hair after she showers.

And if everyone goes light on the scent, you avoid that horrible clash of sickening smells that occurs when too many scent-doused people are crammed in a room together. Much to the relief and gratitude of the allergy-plagued.

So please, when you're applying scented-anything, spare a moment of sympathy for those with allergies and sinus sensitivies and go light on that delicious scent. The people who will actually care that you smell good will most likely be close enough to you to smell it, and the rest of us will be able to breathe a little easier.