Life Is Not a Romance Novel

So I'm reading this book for my novel class called The Female Quixote (which the British, naturally, have abominated to be pronounced "quix-ot" instead of the properly Spanish pronunciation "kee-ho-te" -- and yeah, just ignore the non-phonemically-correct pronunciation guides. I made them up). Basically, the story is about a woman, named Arabella, who is convinced that the world functions just like it does in the romance novels she's so fond of reading. Growing up in a small country manor hasn't helped her to become more acquainted with reality, either.

I find the story both amusing and frustrating. Amusing because Arabella, smart and clever as she is, is hopelessly naive about the way the real world works. Frustrating because I recognize too many patterns of thought like this one in girls around me (and I am occasionally guilty of them myself). Arabella is extremely rigid in matters of "decorum" and that men act just as they do in the romance novels. Some of these expectations:

The man never actually talks to the object of his desire about love until he has displayed, often for years at a time, complete submission to her will, and devotion to her cause.

If he shows no sign of "dying" for her love (sickness, sallowness, fatigue, etc) he is not worthy of her

He must go out and perform at least one, if not several tasks of tremendous accomplishment

And the list goes on and on. The one man in the book who truly loves Arabella is a slave to her unrealistic expectations, and yet I bless him on every page because he never wholly succumbs to behaving the way she wants him to. Instead, he improvises a little bit at a time to stay in her good graces while trying to cure her of her obsession with romantic notions. I haven't finished, so I'm not positive about how it turns out, but I hope he triumphs.

Anyway, some recent events have reminded me that women with high and often unreasonable expectations are not confined to satirical novels. They are real; otherwise the stories about them would never have been written in the first place.

A word of advice to those women: lighten up. No man will recite poetry, always say or do the right thing, or smell fantastic 100% of the time. He won't always know the answers. He might forget your birthday, your big interview, or even your anniversary. He will probably leave a mess somewhere, say something stupid, or thoughtless, or perhaps even cruel. In fact, I can pretty much guarantee that any real man will do all of those things at least once in your life with him.

But flip the tables around for a second. How often have we as women done those things to the men in our lives? I've definitely said stupid things that I've had to apologize for. I've forgotten or overlooked something important to a man I cared about. And I definitely am not always in my best condition, emotionally or physically (airplane hair, anyone?).

And let's not even start on girls' own unique problems: hormones, headaches, reactions to stress, overtalking, undertalking, mind-changing, expecting guys to understand us when they tell us over and over that they don't, and so on.

We're just different than them, and we have to recognize that.

Sure, we want our men today to take charge and ask us out. To seize the moment and really court us. But I have a little secret for you: we terrify them sometimes most of the time. If we just stand back and glare at them, waiting for them to make the first move, only the gutsiest man will probably move, and you may or may not want him. They really try so hard. A lot of long, close conversations with guyfriends, boyfriends, brothers, and cousins have made it abundantly clear to me how nervous they get around us. Think about how we feel when the pressure is on us to arrange dates. We hate it. We get all queasy and nervous, right? They do it all. the. time.

So girls, cut your men a little slack every now and then. They do a great job, on the whole. And just remember: don't expect anything from them that you aren't willing to do for them in return. Don't expect flowers if you aren't willing to splurge a little on that movie or game he's been wanting. Don't expect him to remember your birthday if you overlook Father's day. Don't expect him to always tell you everything he's thinking when you withhold your thoughts from him when you're mad at him.

Relationships are about equality. I know most of us aren't married, but it starts now. If we expect them to sweep us off our feet, it'll go a long way if we try to sweep them off theirs, too. So go all out on that dinner for him. Watch his favorite guy movie. Learn to play that video game he grew up on. He works hard. Let's show them a little love, too. :)