Beating up the Misanthrope

So, once upon a long time ago, Qait and I somehow concocted the idea (fed, of course, by substantial evidence. Haha. Joke.) that we had multiple personalities. 21 of them, to be precise. Now, I'm not actually schizophrenic. Schizophrenia is actually a lot more complicated than that, but that aside, it became a running joke that we each had 21 personalities. Depending on the day, one of those personalities was usually running the show, and we had various assignments for the others.

Currently Lynnae-the-Misanthrope is kind of running the show. She has been for the last few weeks. I apologize if you've felt the brunt of her distaste for people. I really do hate my current need to be alone, because I'm naturally a social person, and it really runs against the grain to be so reclusive, but unfortunately, I think that I need it. I hate it. But I can't turn it off. And I seem to have run out of the energy needed to pretend that I'm feeling something I'm not. So I've stopped trying to lie about it.

I do, however, attempt to change it. Which is why I went to Oscar's Night last night. Now, I won't lie, I really didn't want to go. I had a million excuses all lined up for exactly why I didn't have to go. I wasn't in my FHE group's movie. I had a buttload of homework and research to do. I was (and am) still getting over being sick. I was exhausted. I didn't feel like socializing. No one would really miss me all that much. (Granted, the last one is a totally lame and unacceptable excuse. It's total bull. I have lot of people who would miss me.) But somehow, I found myself showering and getting ready anyway.

And you know what?

I had a lot of fun. I broke down and let out all my pent-up energy and frustration by dancing like an idiot. Typically, I'd be worried about looking like a fool, but I honestly didn't care anymore. Plus side to feeling apathetic in social situations. :) And I definitely talked to people. Quite a bit. Eat that, Misanthropic-Lynnae.

I wish I could say that it was a permanent change. Sadly, I'm still perfectly content to be sitting at home alone today. Again, I think I just need it. I've spent the last year or so giving everything I had to everyone else. I don't say that I deserve a break from that, per se, but I really enjoy not having to answer to anyone else's schedule.

My only real concern about my current phase (because, let's be honest, this side of me can't last too long. I'm not a hermit by nature) is that I'll push away what I already have. I'm totally cool with not making new friends and not flirting with guys and all that stuff. I really don't have the brainpower or emotional stamina to deal with that right now. School, work, and church come first. I'm more afraid that my lack of desire to socialize will push away the people I already have in my life. Or that I'll miss out on something important. I don't want to miss out on someone who needs me. Or even someone who can teach me something valuable. I think that's part of the reason I'm so stressed right now. So I'm sorry. Don't mind me. I'll come out of it soon enough. I love you all.

THE GRATEFULS:
Stephanie. Girl, you will always be one of those bright rays of light in my life. Soul-sister, best friend, and roommate. I wouldn't trade you for the greatest boyfriend in the world. Even if I found Mr. Right, I'd still need you.

Savannah. Your quiet acceptance of me for who I am is something that I can never thank you for enough. You've seen my ups and downs and after three years, our friendship is still going strong.

My red dress. For the first time in a couple of weeks, I felt truly beautiful last night. It's all thanks to a gorgeous dress.

My personal study time. And I don't mean school-related study. I've been so tired and stressed recently that I've been reverting back to the bare-bones minimum of daily scripture study and prayer, but last night, even though I was worn out, I decided to take a little longer on my reading time, and, as always, I found exactly what I needed. It's like the Lord leaves little notes saying "I love you, Lynnae" between those pages, and all I have to do is read long enough to find them. I'm glad He doesn't give up on me, even when I wouldn't blame Him for it.

My father. Who always reminds me about what's most important in the eternal scheme of things. His faith and his example have never ceased to amaze me. I'm still waiting to find a man who measures up to that kind of devotion to the Savior and unconditional love for me, and when I do, I'm never letting him go. The older I get, the easier it is to see why my mom loves my dad so much. There's something indescribably precious about a man with faith like that. A man of faith is truly a priceless jewel, and I'm so grateful to my dad for teaching me what a man like that looks like.